Bullying The Fat Girl

Melting Mama's blog about women and bullying reminded me of a childhood friend I once had, and my first experience with bullying. B and I were BFF's for a good part of 10 years. After high school she got engaged and began planning her wedding, assuming that since I was her BFF and she had no sisters or female relatives, I would be in her wedding party. In fact she even hinted about it, but one day I received the phone call where she told me that she found someone else to be her maid of honor and gave me the reason that I was "too fat." to be in her wedding, but I would be invited as a guest. Yes, those were her exact words that are clear to me today as they were some 30 years ago. Really??? I wouldn't have really cared if I were in her wedding or not, but the fact that she hinted, asked and then took it back, really hurt. It hurt because we were close, we shared secrets and did those stupid things that young girls do. I never went to her wedding and afterwards I conveniently lost touch with her.

I was always a chubby kid, and there were a few kids who pointed it out to me like I was some dumb ass or didn't own a mirror, but my weight never really bothered me. In the 4th grade, the teacher sent me up to the board to solve a math problem. I had problems with math and I couldn't do the problem. She wrote a note and sent me to the principal's office with it. I read the note on the way there and it said I was having problems with math because I couldn't pay attention, was lazy and fat. YES, this is true! It still didn't bother me. The reason why I didn't understand math is because I needed extra help, like some skinny kids sometimes do. I don't remember going to the principal's office, I erased that part from my memory.

Still, it didn't bother me. My "chubbiness" was accepted in my culture, it showed good health and good status for my parents, formerly very poor and uneducated peasants from a European country who came to the US and did well.

And my BFF's words externally didn't bother me (so I thought). I figured if she thought so poorly of me, then she was never a real friend. I was just a little upset over the time invested in being her friend, but I was young and moved on pretty fast. Internally, her comment festered.

I know, why did I let it bother me? I don't know, but it did. I was always a fat kid, and made up for that by being a funny kid, which is probably why I was never bullied. I covered up my fatness by making kids laugh in school. I never had self esteem issues, I was just a happy, fat kid!

In my mid 20's I decided that maybe it was time to lose a few pounds. I was becoming a career girl, meeting all different kinds of people and had my eye on a few guys. Stupidly, I went on a crash diet, lost 35 lbs. (because that was all I needed to lose at the time) and some of my hair. It was the first time in my life that I had actually been a "skinny" girl, and discovered all that I had been missing. I was going out more, meeting more men, wearing great clothes, wearing a size 7 and liking myself a whole lot! But what my "alleged" friend said to me still, quietly festered in the back of my mind.

A few months ago, this friend found me on Facebook and somehow got my phone number from a mutual friend. The first thing she asked me was, "hey, are you still fat?" Seriously WTF? What kind of question is that? I don't even know what category to file that in, except for maybe "Rude and Tactless Questions." Wouldn't that be somewhat equivalent to asking if one still that crazy-go-funny eye, or if one still wears her hair in pigtails? Would my answer have made a huge difference to her? As I continued talking to her, I realized that anything I said would not have made a difference, she wasn't listening to me! It was all about HER, her problems, her life, her poor, pitiful self!

And this, my friends was a huge relief!

I finally came to terms with myself about her. I saw her for the idiot she really was! Her phone call removed all the years of hurt I felt by those three stupid little words, "you're too fat!" I guess in a manner of speaking, that was a form of bullying even though I wouldn't admit it to myself for many years, I was humiliated, ashamed, betrayed and it changed the way I thought of myself.

You know, I love me. Always did, and now that I've had WLS, I love me even more. You should all love yourselves because YOU are what's important. It's a beautiful feeling!

P.S. When she asked me if I was still fat, I asked her if she ever got braces for her horrendously protruding front teeth. I would never say that to anyone else, but she deserved it and damn it felt good after saying it!

Ha! I clearly do not give a good crap anymore!




A la prossima!

Weight Loss Adventures!

I've been having fun lately going through some old clothing I had stashed away for that day when I could wear them again. Well, some are outdated as all hell and some still didn't fit, and some I either threw away or put into the charity bag. However, today was a very, very sad day for me because I found a tunic that I've always loved. I remember the day I purchased it; it was one of those days when I was a little down over something or another, it could have even been a cloudy day (they make me sad) and thought that retail therapy would set me straight again. I walked into a clothing store and there it was hanging all by herself waiting for me to cast my eyes on her and fall in love. She knew she was hot and she knew a sucker when she saw one. So I walked over to the tunic, stared at it in awe, I might have even drooled a little, but as I thumbed through a rack of clothing I found a replica of her in my size and brought it home. The tunic is Indian style and actually called a "kurta." It is made of royal purple micro suede with brass coins sewed around the neckline and on both sleeves so when one moved, the coins jingled.

I tried it on and even though it was a little snug on top, I couldn't get it over my hips. I was a little upset but I thought one day I'll be able to fit into it.

Well, a lot of time has passed since that day and many events have happened, like for instance weight loss surgery and my life change. I had forgotten about this beautiful purple tunic until this morning when desperately searching for something to wear, i.e., something that fit me, I came across the beautiful purple tunic. Those beautiful brass coins beckoned for me to pluck this gorgeous piece of clothing from the closet rack where it has been sitting for several years and try it on.

The thought that it might still fit a little too tight crossed my mind but I was okay with that, until I pulled the tunic over my head and down over my chest, then hips and....

I looked like I was inside a teepee!!

All I needed was for someone to hammer a few rails into the hem, making sure they were well into the ground and I could host a camp-out in the backyard with several small children as my guests.

I was hurt and even felt like crying. I had completely passed the moment when I was able to wear this shirt in comfort. I looked at myself in the mirror and looked at the charity bag and back into the mirror as if it would suddenly and magically fit me perfectly, then back to the charity bag. I stood there for a moment in contemplation of what my next move would be, and I promptly took off the shirt put it back on the hanger and back into my closet thinking one day I will find a good tailor who will fix this for me!

I just couldn't bear to part with it.

Looking forward to trying out the new sweaters I bought last winter but never had a chance to wear to see if more sad/happy moments in weight loss history will occur! Until then...


a la prossima!

Sweet, Sweet Victories!

When I started this blog I was about a month post op and still wearing my fat girl pants which were size 22 stretch jeans and regular stretch pants. I have a lot of friends who are happy for me, especially my friend Linda took issue with me still wearing my old clothes and pulled me aside. She told me she was sick of watching me hike up my pants to just about under my boobs just to see them fall past my hips. Only a good friend will tell you like it is! Linda was right, it was indeed time for me to give up my fat clothes and buy some new clothes, so we went on a shopping excursion to Lane Bryant one evening.

While in the store, I found some pants that I thought would look good in one size smaller than what I usually wear. Linda, on the other hand grabbed pants in even smaller sizes. I went into the dressing room where the sales person had already designated a dressing room for me and had the clothing hanging on hooks inside.

I tried on a size 20 boot cut pant. Too big. I tried on a size 18. Still too big. I'm thinking holy shit the sizes must run big in this store. Linda handed me a size 16 pant. In my mind, I prepared myself to squeeze into them and not be able to get them past my hips.

HOLY SHIT!

I put them on, buttoned and zipped them without having to suck my gut in and then looked at myself in the mirror. I could think of nothing else other than I just put my fat ass into a size 16 pants! my next thought was where did the other half of me go?? I was looking dead into reality and it was very kind to me!!

It's hard for me to explain how I really feel about all this because after years of squeezing my big ass into clothes that were increasing in size and trying to look like someone I was clearly not, I looked in that mirror and actually liked myself and liked what I saw! I couldn't take my eyes off my reflection in the mirror. It's not like I don't have any mirrors at home, but it felt as if I was looking at myself for the first time in years! I went from having 3 chins to one chin, from having chipmunk cheeks and looking like I was constantly hoarding nuts to actually seeing my cheekbones, from having a stomach that made me look like I was going to give birth to quadruplets to almost flat, my hips and thighs were smaller, I HAD A FREAKIN' WAIST!!! And even though it was smaller, my ghetto bootie was still there!!

It was hard for me initially to believe the person that I was looking at in the mirror was me and I was not dreaming!

I bought the size 16 pants and a size 14, not size 22 shirt to go with it. I even went back and bought another pair of pants and a pair of jeans and a few more shirts, all on sale of course. I have enough clothes now to make it through the end of summer, and I'll evaluate what's in my closet for the upcoming fall and winter.

People are noticing my weight loss now than ever before. I'm not liking the attention very much because I don't know how to take a compliment, but please know deep down inside I'm grinning from ear to ear.

Yesterday morning I reached my 50 pound goal and set my next 50 pound goal that I hope to achieve by my surgery anniversary on February 22nd. This morning I lost another pound!

This morning I also tried on a bra that I once said I'd never get into and it fit. Comfortably. In fact, the cups are a little roomy, but the bra didn't dig into my skin anywhere. With that, I went through my bra drawer and pulled out about 15 bras that no longer fit me that I'm giving to charity. Almost all of them are new. I've gone from a double D to a C and now possibly a B.

Life is getting better.

a la prossima!

Change is Good!

When my stall was nearing its 6-week mark, I not only became very sad and frustrated, it wasn't supposed to work this way, I was supposed to lose have a stall here and there but not one that is lasting 6 weeks and counting! so, my first thought was it probably isn't a stall and my second thought was, it's definitely what I'm eating. I work out every other day, I do water aerobics twice a week and still the weight didn't go up, BUT, it didn't go down either. Well, after having a discussion about this over lunch with a very dear friend, I made up my mind on what to do.

I joined Weight Watchers online.

I'm not writing this to sing the praises of Weight Watchers because the program isn't designed for post op bariatric patients but I am going to say that I figured out what I was doing wrong. I was definitely eating too many calories - lots of protein, low carb and all but way too many calories and, I know some of you will hate me for saying this, but, I've had to put a few grainy carbs back into my eating plan just to kickstart the weight loss again. By adding a few carbs I mean, I eat a small piece of whole grain toast in the morning, that's it! I'm also keeping track of what I eat, still keeping my protein grams to 60/70 per day and I stay below my points guideline. I couldn't possible eat 28 points a day, but 21-24 is working for me. I can't even eat the extra points alloted to do with what you will for the week or the extra points rewarded for working out. My stomach just isn't big enough anymore to stuff those extra points in, so I don't use them. I'm told if I don't use them, my body will go into starvation mode... mmmm... I don't think so. I'm eating, eating right and eating healthy.

So after 2 weeks of WW tracking of food intake and activity, I've managed to lose 3 1/2 pounds. I don't know if it's the carbs my body is seeing after so many months, or it's the lower caloric intake, but whatever it is, it's working, my mental slump is better and I'm feeling great!

As many of you know, there is nothing more frustrating than hitting a stall, and I expect stalls to last several weeks, but 6 weeks is a bit much in my opinion, and it is a reason to figure out what the underlying problem is. Everyone's body reacts differently, apparently my body punishes me for eating the way most post op bariatric patients eat, so at this moment the WW plan is working for me.

In the end though, does it really matter? We are all trying to achieve the same goal which is the reason we had weight loss surgery to begin with. As long as we're losing in a healthy way.

I'll take a 3.5 loss any day! Yup, change can be very good!



A la prossima!

Eat Pancakes for Stress

Once again, it's been a while since I posted, and the truth is I've been so stressed out it's scaring me. To start, we had an attempted break in at my house, luckily the alarm went off as soon as they got the door open and apparently the coward ass ran. Then my husband's car window was vandalized. The idiots threw a rock the size of my head through the driver's side window, reached in and took his baseball cap. The man was pissed about his baseball cap, I was pissed because they touched my property!! My husband just happened to be looking out the window when it happened opened the door and started chasing the kids down the street. I called the police, and a perfect day ended in chaos. A few weeks later the man was going out to move my car when he noticed my driver's side window was shattered. I don't keep anything of value in my car, the only things I have is a blanket and an umbrella. If they're that desperate for those items, I would have gladly given it to them, but they were still there. So the following day I decided I was going to play sentry and keep a look out and around 6:30, two kids walked by and sat on my lawn wall, one was carrying two large bricks. I poked my head out the window and asked what he had in his hands, he said it was his phone. I replied by asking if phones look like bricks these days and he said they were new phones. Again, my husband went out and they began to run, once again I called the police and once again the police did not get the kid. So now one car gets parked in the garage and the other gets parked in a safe area in the next town across the street from my where my sister in law lives.

This is what it has come down to. I am not going to pay another dime to replace the windows so these punks can get their jollies. Also, I've been looking at houses, we are definitely getting out of this neighborhood. It's getting worse and worse every year, if it isn't the sound of gunfire, the drive by shootings and gang related deaths, it's little morons vandalizing personal property.

Also, I was kind of hoping it wouldn't happen to me, but it did - my hair is beginning to fall out. I'm a little over 4 months post op and it's coming out in clumps, it doesn't even look the same when I style it. I have hypothyroidism and lost a considerable amount of hair on top of my head already, so this post op hair loss in addition is very depressing. I've been wearing it tied back in a ponytail, am strongly considering cutting it all off or buy a wig. I'd like to try a couple of wigs first and if they look natural enough, I'll ride out the storm until my hair starts to grow back, if not, I guess I'll be wearing a butch cut for a few months!

And if things aren't bad enough, I'm stuck in a stall. 43 pounds and not budging, not even a half pound!

On the other hand, I've been having some AWESOME pancakes for breakfast the past two days. I got the recipe from "The World According to Eggface." I made my own variation by adding a tablespoon of SF white chocolate pudding mix and a half cup of blueberries; just make sure you add the blueberries before you flip the pancake over. I made 2 large pancakes from the batter instead of 4 small or 8 silver dollar size and could only eat one. In fact, I even had trouble finishing it, I left about 2-3 bites.

The pancakes were a refreshing change from eggs every day, even though the recipe contains egg, but it's not the same! I highly suggest you try them! These pancakes are so very yummy that I forgot all about the problems I've been having for a while! Who would have thought pancakes would be stress relievers! See here for the recipe.

Gone Crazy and Pizza Crust Too!

I must be out of my mind. Yep, I've gone nuts, lost it, am ready for a straight jacket and the padded room. Me, fat girl extraordinaire has been working out, not once but twice a day! Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever thought of doing this, but it's true. Don't get me wrong, I love working out, just not twice a day.

I go to the gym every other day. I am doing 25 minutes of a cardio workout on a stationary bicyle and 30 minutes of weight training, THEN on Monday and Wednesday evening I go to water aerobics at the YMCA, and at this very moment as I'm typing this blog, my effin' body is SORE! It hurts from my neck all the way down to my toes!

And the best part is... I have lost a total of 43 lbs!!

My underwear is getting big, I mean uncomfortably loose. I'm wearing my pants gangsta style, as in the crotch and ass hang below the natural crotch and ass line! Oh yeah, real sexy. Maybe the young boys who hang out at the skateboard park at the end of the street will ask me to hang with them! Ha, joke. I made a funny, not this old broad!

But what I really wanted to tell you is that I created a low carb crust for pizza, and I apologize to anyone who created this before me, but I play around with recipes and I came up with one for crust without using flour. As I learned in Entrepreneur class recipes cannot be subjected to trademark and/or patent regulations, so they're free to plaguerize (sp?) or re-create, but I will always give credit where credit is due.

The recipe is as follows:

1 cup of chick pea (garbanzo) bean flour
1 cup of water
1/4 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. pepper
1/2 tsp. baking powder
1 tbsp. oil
1 tsp. Italian seasoning (optional)
a 9x12 cookie sheet with sides (or a size pan close to 9x12)

Combine chick pea flour, salt, pepper, seasoning and baking soda in a bowl, add water and stir. Mixture will be the consistency of thin pancake batter. Let the batter sit for about a half hour. Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Pour mixture onto the cookie sheet, spread if necessary to cover the entire bottom of sheet (remember, it will be like a thin batter), then bake for about 8 to 12 minutes. Crust is done when it looks like it's pulling away from the sides and top is firm to touch.

Remove from oven, spread about a tablespoon of olive oil (this is optional), then spread your favorite sauce and add shredded cheese. I also added some turkey pepperoni. Lower the oven to 350 degrees and place pizza back into the oven and bake until cheese is melted and bubbly.

I used reduced fat mozzarella and it didn't brown, now I know why low carb people use full fat everything! I finished it by placing the pizza under a broiler for a minute or so until it was brown all over.

I get about 4 slices but you can cut them as big or small as you want. The only problem is it's not crispy like some pizza dough, but I'm cool with that. The crust is kind of soft and a little bready; it reminds me of the pizza slices my mother used to buy from the Italian bread bakeries that once inhabited the North End in Boston.

It's yummy, low carb and good for us!!

Okay, I'm exhausted from a day of gym and water aerobics and am going to bed. Nite nite everyone!

A la prossima!

Reaching Out

About a week ago, I had an appointment with a new dermatologist, I figured while I'm in the midst of losing weight, the hair on my lip and chin can go too as I'm not only tired of waxing and tweezing, my over 40 eyesight is making it difficult for me to see! I'm first generation Italian-American born to dark Italian parents therefore it only makes sense that I am born with an olive toned complexion and dark hair so the monobrow and facial hair are part of the whole look and has been the bane of my existence!

As it turned out my dermatologist and I share the same ethnic background and our families are from the same area so you know we immediately became kindred spirits! We talked for a while about our families and "who we know," but then it got down to business and while she was asking me about my medical history, I told her about my VSG surgery, how happy I was, how it was the best decision I ever made, etc., etc., and when all was said and done, she began telling me about her best friend who happens to weigh close to 400 pounds. I listened intently as she told me about her friend beginning with listing her co-morbidities, her bad knees, and how her husband does the laundry because she can't go down the basement stairs which is where the laundry facilities are, and how she stays home a lot because she can't walk, is ashamed of her size, and how Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, HMS and other diets didn't work for her. I held back my tears as she basically flashed my past life before my eyes which reminded me of the emotional trauma I experienced that finally led me to take that leap into weight loss surgery. The only difference her friend and I have is she's afraid of having weight loss surgery and very adamant about it.

So who wasn't afraid at first?

I'm such a sap and the story about her friend touched my heart. I wanted to reach out and help her, so I gave the dermatologist permission to give her friend my phone number. I won't talk her into having WLS, but I will sing the praises of it and I will tell her how it gave me my life back and added a few more years to my life. Now that I've been there and experienced the procedure, I can honestly tell her that there is nothing to fear. A few days of discomfort is worth a lifetime of happiness. I hope she calls me.

The conversation with my dermatologist sort of clinched my decision in what my major will be this coming fall when I go back to school.

I've spent most of my life yo-yo dieting. I've lost tons of weight, only to gain it back again, and I was also a chubby kid. The current generation of children are growing up the same way. For me, it wasn't lack of exercise, it was my parents who fed me like their very own little prized pig, but for children today, it's many things from McDonald's advertising directly to them and serving up greasy, salty food to unhealthy school lunches, working parents who don't have the time to make healthy lunches, computer games, and x-boxes. Children are getting Type 2 diabetes and other co-morbidities and I want to join the battle to help them grow up healthy, so I've decided my major will be in nutrition with the hope that I can reach out to children and their parents while they're in school by teaching them and using my experience as a child as an example.

Yeah, I'm ready for it!

Until next time when I'll have some more yummy, healthy recipes.... a la prossima!

Ciao!

Chicken Fajitas and a Beautiful Weekend!

In New England, Memorial Day weekend kicks off the unofficial beginning of summer! I'm sure it's the same way in many other parts of the country, but here today the temp hit about 90, the humidity is about 87%, so needless to say it's the 3 H's - Hazy, HOT and Humid! This is the type of weather I absolutely detest and we get a summer-full of it every year. It's the type of weather that tempts me to shave my head, it maintains my mind in a constant state of funk and makes me want to spend the rest of the season sitting in front of my air conditioner, however, this year, I'm a little lighter, feeling a lot better and when I think about the horrendous winter we had that began the day after Christmas with a major Nor'easter that dumped tons of snow, along with the 2-3 foot snowstorms we had just about every week until the first week of February, toss in the subzero temps, the ice, the ice dams, the melting snow dripping through my bathroom window, well, I would say today was absolutely beautiful! I think if I have some time tomorrow I may remove the tarps covering my deck furniture and bbq grill, clean off the dirt and get my deck ready for the season.

I have been so busy lately that I haven't really been cooking very much with the exception of making a little meal here and there, but yesterday I made chicken fajitas (so easy) and Almond Meal bread. I've been jonesin' for something other than eggs for breakfast and the bread did the trick for me. I got the recipe from the Cooking with Trader Joe's website . It has a sticky, gooey texture when raw but when cooked it makes a decent loaf of bread, not the kind of yeasty bread we're all used to; it comes out like a dense and hearty, earthy-crunchy type bread. It's delicious with cream cheese or goat cheese spread and it took care of the craving. Also, it's about 317 calories per slice but it has 13 g. of protein and good fat, that is if you slice the loaf into 12 slices, so if you're watching your calorie intake I would suggest cutting the slices thin. The bread is filling so a little goes a long way, which is a good thing for those of us with VSG's, RnY's or Lapbands because we don't eat very much anymore!

Here's my recipe for Chicken Fajitas:

2 cups of cooked white meat chicken, diced into 1 inch cubes. (I used a rotisserie chicken)
1/2 of a green pepper, diced into 1/2 inch pieces
1/2 of a red pepper, diced into 1/2 inch pieces
1 small onion
3 tablespoons olive oil
1/2 tsp. Ancho chili powder (optional)
1/2 to 1/3 (or more) of your favorite salsa.
Package of shredded Mexican cheese.

Heat the oil in a frying pan and when hot, add the peppers and onions. Cook until peppers are soft and onions are translucent. Add Ancho chili powder, a little salt and pepper if you want. When mixture is done add chicken and salsa and cook until heated through. Remove pan from heat.

If you're a carb lover, you can place some of the mixture into a corn or white flour tortilla and add some cheese. The heat from the mixture will melt the cheese or you can place it under a broiler. I sometimes have to do that with certain cheeses.

If you don't eat carbs but want to pretend you do (like me), I used half of a high protein, high fiber, low carb tortilla. You can find these in the International food aisle of your grocery store or ask where they would be. Yum!

This comes out more like a pizza, but you can prepare it in any way you please!

Anyway, it's been a beautiful day here and almost the end to a perfect weekend, so please take a moment to remember what this holiday is for, or if you know or see a vet, don't forget to thank him/her.


A la Prossima!

The Girl I Used To Be

I've been away for a while, but now finals are over, summer is around the corner, I have time now to get done the things I need to get done and I'm loving me a little bit more, and in the time I've been away from this blog, I've learned a few things; one of them hit me today. I am slowly but surely becoming my old self again. Today I felt the girl that has been trapped inside me for so long trying to come out again, and today I also found out I have lost a total of 37 lbs. 3 more to go to 40!

I went to CVS today to pick up a few things when I smelled something light, flowery, and clean so I followed the scent and found many different bottles of body sprays. At this point I became confused and am unable to tell if it's a combination of scents that has attracted me or was it one in particular? As I began spraying the tester bottles into the air, it dawned on me that I haven't worn scent other than soap or shower gel in ages. The last bottle of perfume I bought was Sunflowers and that was sometime in the mid 90s!! It also dawned on me that I used to wear scent because it made me feel "alive," and that's the key word here. Since I've lost a good amount of weight I'm beginning to feel alive again! I'm yanking my pants up to under my breasts, only for them to slide down and having to yank them back up every few minutes or so. This is a great feeling!

I went to a consignment shop with a friend a few days ago and while waiting outside the dressing room for her I happened to look at myself in the full length mirror, and for a moment I didn't know who I was (It was a very short moment!) The crotch of my pants was hanging below where it naturally should be!

I can actually cut my toenails again because my stomach isn't in the way anymore, I can bend down and tie my sneakers without my face getting red and coming back up trying to catch my breath.

I am even doing better at the gym, going every other day. I stopped fighting with the elliptical. My knee hurts when I'm on it and there's nothing I can do about it until my knee stops hurting. I took the advice of my hunky surgeon and got on the bike instead. The first time I could only stay on it for 5 minutes, yesterday I finished 20 minutes and could have done another 5 but I didn't want to push it. I began weight training and that burns calories all night long and it's making a difference.

Today got me thinking of how long it's been since I've really been happy. I thought I was, but apparently I've been lying to myself all along. I am the original Queen of Denial. I buried the shame of how I looked, how much food I ate and why I ate. I buried my love affair and gluttony with food. Food was my go-to for emotional support and yet it was killing me at the same time.

I also thought about where I would have been today had I not made that leap of faith and had my VSG surgery; I may have been 37 (maybe more) pounds heavier, still fighting that vicious cycle of weight loss, still yo yo dieting and still eating to death.

The fog in my head is clearing, I'm beginning to put the pieces of my life puzzle back together again, and I look forward to the day when I can finally bury the old body image of myself and see the new me emerging to life! It's going to be awesome!

So this journey has been one of trial, error and learning. Sometimes I feel like a 2-year old, (heaven knows I eat like one) who has a big world to see and learn about. Some days I feel like a runner looking to make that finish line. Some moments there will be bumps in the road and some will be smooth sailing. All I know is that regardless of what happens along the way, I have to keep pushing towards my personal finish line, and once aging become the girl I used to be, and that will also be awesome!

And speaking of awesome, I want to introduce you to a man in my life who rocked my world and gave me a new chance at life.

He's handsome, sweet, personable, kind, has a beautiful soul and I love him. I also pray that God keeps him strong and healthy and did I say that I love him? He's my surgeon, and he's the very best!!

Finals, School, Bleechhhh!

It's been difficult for me to get here these days and the reason being is that I am a non-traditional student (meaning I'm older than the average student), I go to a 2-year community college, this is my last week of classes and I have finals next week! Needless to say I'm under stress, I want to eat the world (because I'm not just a volume eater, I'm also a stress eater) and those damn 2 pounds I keep losing keep coming back! WTF is up with that?? Just when I think, "Yeah Mama, I'm off my stall!" The next day the scale goes up 2 pounds. Do I throw the scale out the window? Put a "free" sign on it and put it outside my front door? Or throw it against the concrete wall in my backyard as a form of punishment for not cooperating as it should? I am sooooo frustrated!

Saturday I went to a party at a friend's house, and I drank alcohol for the first time since my surgery 11 weeks ago. The weird thing is pre-surgery whenever I went to a party, I'd walk in, say hi and hit the buffet table and continue to stuff myself the entire evening. This time I walked in, said hi, talked and talked and 1 1/2 hours passed before I noticed the buffet table, and by that time I was getting a little hungry. I grabbed a plate and glanced over the table and here is a list of what I put on my plate:

A little bit of salad with a piece of a grilled chicken strip.
A small spoonful from a chicken, broccoli and pasta dish
A deviled egg
A small spoonful from a rice and shrimp dish
2 mini quiche's
A piece of cheddar cheese

I ate:

The grilled chicken strip, left the salad
The deviled egg
The cheese
One piece of shrimp, left the rice
One piece of chicken with broccoli, left the pasta
The inside of one mini quiche, tossed the other one.

WTF? I ate nothing but protein! Someone stole my mind and is making me eat different now!

I also had a few drinks! Now it's my understanding that with VSG, you drink, get drunk on one drink and the buzz goes away fast. At least that's what I've heard from others. No, not me. I drank a little bit of wine, it was delicious, I finished it - nothing. I had another glass, finished it - still nothing. Later in the evening I had two shots of cinnamon vodka (not at the same time!) - still nothing! What is wrong with me why can't I even get a buzz?? I am so weird!

Anyway, I'll return after my finals. I'm getting a headache just thinking of having to study for it…

Later folks!

A la prossima!

Meatball Madness!

So the other day I decided to make some marinara sauce with meatballs. I figured the hubby can have meatballs with pasta and being the good, low carb eating girl I am I'll just eat the meat. Well, before we go on, I need to tell you that I have this bad habit of putting things off until I damn well feel like doing it. Okay, so a few days before I took out some frozen hamburger out of the freezer to make the meatballs with, but.... I didn't get to them until this morning... and... well...when I took out the package of hamburger that had thoroughly thawed out many days ago from the fridge, it was brown. I mean the meat was brown sitting atop a pool of brown juice. I know TMI but Ewww... I even had the nerve to smell it! And while it didn't particularly have an overpowering evil smell, there was a slight hint of what was to come had I left it in the fridge any longer. I hate wasting good food and I'm sorry it couldn't be used but thank God for garbage disposals!

So now I've got sauce on the stove cooking away and nothing to make meatballs with. Then I remembered some freebie I got at the supermarket one day, it was one of those, "spend $50, get 3 free items," type promotion. I remember the items clearly, one item was a small watermelon, a bag of lettuce and a bag of frozen, ready made meatballs! Needless to say I grabbed that bag, tore it open and immediately dumped the contents into the pot of boiling sauce. Whew!! Saved!

My dinner last night was two golf ball sized meatballs with sauce, and even though they weren't my meatballs and the sauce covered up the fact that they were a little bland, they served their purpose.

Now I've got broccoli and eggplant in the fridge that I bought last week. When I checked today the eggplant was still firm and the broccoli still green, so maybe I'll get off my ass and cook it tomorrow and make something useful from it, eh?

A la prossima!

Eggplant Chicken Salad Tacos

I love eggplant and discovered several years ago that the only way to eat eggplant is to fry it, and since eggplant is like a sponge, it drinks up all the oil in the pan and wants more, so needless to say it's kinda fatty and greasy. I gave up on it completely until I got the idea in my head that if I broil it, it might not be so bad. People grill veggies, so why not eggplant? So I bought two small ones and the rest is history. Here's my recipe:

Broiled Eggplant

2 small to medium sized FIRM eggplants
1/2 cup of olive oil
1/4 to 1/2 tsp. Garlic Powder
1/4 tsp. Chili flakes
Salt

Cut the stem side of the eggplant and cut a little bit off the bottom, then with a potato peeler, peel the eggplant. Now you can either cut it into 1/2 inch rounds or cut it on the diagonal, but either way the thickness should be 1/2 inch. Place on a small cookie sheet pan, then fire up your broiler. Add to olive oil, the garlic powder and chili flakes and lightly brush on one side of the eggplant and broil until brown on one side. Flip eggplant over and repeat by lightly brushing the other side and broil until brown. Lightly salt. I usually check my eggplant several times because I've forgotten them once and let them burn to a crisp. After I opened all the windows in the house to let the smoke out and silence the smoke alarms, I had to throw them away because crispy charred eggplant is not good eats!

These are great eaten as a snack or... with the following:

Chicken Salad

1 cooked, deboned chicken breast, chopped fine
1 1/2 tablespoons of light or reduced fat mayonnaise
1 medium sized stalk of celery, chopped into small pieces
dash of Jamaican style curry powder (or curry powder of your choice)
dash of pepper

Mix together all ingredients, then with a Ninja, Magic Bullet or Immersion blender, blend until pureed or chunky if you prefer. It's done!

One day I was looking for something to have for lunch and I didn't want to eat just plain chicken salad so I remembered the eggplant and placed about a teaspoon or chicken salad on each eggplant slice and folded it over so it looks like a mini taco. I made about 6 of these for myself and they were incredibly delicioso!! And OMG, it's even low carb! Imagine that!


A la prossima!

My Bad

I know it's been a while since I posted anything, but my life has been so very busy that I need an administrative assistant to keep my calendar and keep me on the right track!

I survived Easter despite the fact that I cheated, and I'm totally okay with that because the difference is I didn't eat 9,000 calories that day. I ate breakfast, which always consists of one egg omelet with 1 skinny slice of cheese, had a yogurt for lunch and made individual Beef Wellington's with asparagus and roasted potatoes for dinner along with Lime Cheesecake for dessert.

I get my beef tenderloin from Costco and usually have the butcher cut it into chops, so after preparing it, adding minced, cooked mushrooms and wrapping it in puff pastry it comes out to about the size of my hand (6 inches from wrist to middle finger) and about 2 inches high. I could only eat half of it, ate the equivalent of one asparagus spear and 2 small wedges of potatoes. I was full and happy. Then later that evening, I had a small slice of cheesecake with coffee and was done eating for the day. Two days later, I got on the scale to see if anything happened and I lost one more pound! This proves the theory that even though I don't eat very many carbs, I can still indulge every so often without falling off the proverbial wagon.

I even started going back to the gym, and much to my surprise I did 10 minutes on the Elliptical and walked off of it without any pain in my knee, so I pushed it even further... bad idea! I got on the stationery bicycle and could only do 5 minutes before excruciating pain set in! No more bicycle for me until I lose more weight or the pain just goes away! I also worked out with some weights and all together I spent 35 minutes there and I know the more I go, the longer my workouts will be. I can't wait for that to happen!!

Unfortunately, I have a few doctor's appointments tomorrow and Friday so can't get back there until Saturday and I think I'll go there very early to get a head start and a free Elliptical!

I'm also really trying not to base my weight loss success on what the scale says because as we all know muscle weighs more than fat, and when I start seeing the weight of muscle on the scale it makes me neurotic, so the only time I'll weigh myself is once a week and keep an open mind.

I'm going to try some new recipes this weekend and will share once I do. Other than that I'm bogged down with homework, family business and in my neck of the woods we are experiencing days on end cloudy weather and humidity. It doesn't help my psyche.

Until then...


A la prossima!

No Scale Victories

I lied. The first is really a scale victory because I've lost a total of about 30 lbs. The scale keeps playing with the last two pounds for some reason. One day I'm up two, and the next two days I'm down two. Wierd.

My no scale victory/ies today is about people beginning to take notice of the change in me. I look at myself everyday so I really haven't noticed a change in the way I look, but my husband notices and tells me, and I keep telling him he's just saying that to make me feel better, but he comes back with, "I'd never lie to you." Ah, what can I say, the boy loves me! Yes, after 25 years of marriage I still refer to him as "the boy."

However, today I had a few errands to run before I met my sister in law for lunch. I stopped at the post office first to pick up my mail and to mail a package. I went to high school with one of the postal workers so I always make sure I go up to her counter. We chit chat for a while and she says, "have you lost weight? I can see it in your face." Why yes I have! It's such a great feeling when someone else notices the fruits of one's labor! An incredibly great feeling!

My second stop was at the bank and again I know the manager so I stop to chat, she takes my deposits and goes up to a teller to process them. When she returned she said one of the tellers told me she notices your weight loss. The teller, a very petite girl from Eastern Europe smiles at me indicating that she was the one who made the comment. I waived hello, nodded my head and said, "yes, thank you!" Smiles all around!

Off to meet my sister in law for lunch. My sister in law isn't a very observant person so I wasn't really expecting my WOW moments to last, I was certain she'd be the one to break the chain of euphoric highs I was having all day, but instead she shocked me. The first thing she said to me was "Oh my goodness, I almost didn't recognize you! You look fantastic!" I haven't seen her since last summer.

Now this is the first time I've eaten out since surgery and I wasn't sure how it would be, but luckily she suggested IHOP which made it somewhat easy because I could have eggs, and that's exactly what I had. My plate came with two smoked sausages (kielbasa) 2 scrambled eggs, hash browns and pancakes with a nice big blob of butter on top, and the first thing I thought of was pre-surgery I would have schkoffed everything down and had dessert! No more. That was then, this is NOW!

Then it happened. I looked at the pancakes and thought to myself if I start eating them, I'll be putting non nutrious, high carb food in my tiny tummy and won't have room for anything else, so I started on the eggs and alternated between bites of egg and sausage. In total I had about 1/2 cup of eggs and half of one half of a sausage! Never touched the hash browns and actually forgot the pancakes were there, and then I got that familiar uncomfortable feeling at the top of my stomach that warns me that I better stop or I will be one sorry ass girl. I stopped because not only is my mission to lose weight and be healthy, I also don't want to vomit, get nauseous or be uncomfortable with an overly full tummy. "Obey the Sleeve," is my new motto these days, and obey I did as I asked the waiter for a take out container. My sister in law was amazed at how little I ate. Oh, and she doesn't know about my surgery either, and I'm not sure if I want to tell her.

As I sit here tonight writing this blog I realize I've experienced on of the many yet to come no scale victories and WOW moments. Realistically my day was pretty boring, but to me it was awesome!


A la prossima!

Why The Title of My Blog?

Some people have asked me why I titled my blog, "The Fat Girl Has Left The Building." It seemed appropriate at the time, and when I thought about why I did it, my memory kept going back to my last job, and how my supervisor made me feel so inadequate because I was fat. I know I said in a previous post that I was fired, I wasn't - I left on my own volition, but had I stayed, the next step would have been a termination because that's what she was aiming for when she gave me my final warning. I never got a "first" warning. She had people watching me and reporting back to her. She transferred me from one job to another that required a Master's Degree, then she gave me 5 days to learn the job. Really? She made up things about me that I had done wrong, she used inane excuses like I came back from lunch 2 minutes late or that I had left my desk light on all night as reasons to call me in for meetings so she could scold me. Of course since she worked for the president of the company no one would dare go against her. She had the upper hand and she knew how to use and abuse it. I held nothing back, I knew what she was doing, because she was doing the same thing to two more women in my office who were also fat. I told her right out that I was aware of what she was doing, and of course she denied it while choking on her words and trying to find the politically correct thing to say, so I couldn't outright accuse her. I'm not an idiot and I wasn't born yesterday, I know bullshit when I see it.

Fat people are truly discriminated against. I've seen it and I've experienced it. My last job was a total nightmare.

Employers don't want to hire fat people. Apparently we get sick a lot, we use too much health insurance benefits and heaven forbid we'd want to have weight loss surgery, well that'll cost them more money, which in turn they'll just pass off to their employees! They won't tell you any of that, but it's obvious, and the sad thing about it is, there's no way to prove it. It's called silent discrimination. Employers don't sit in meetings to discuss new candidates and say they won't hire a person because they're fat because that would be illegal, but they'll tell the candidate they found someone with more experience or was better qualified. Really? That is such bullshit. The real underlying reason is obvious, just ask any fat person looking for a job.

So the day I gave my notice, I gathered up my things in a box and brought them out the front door. I said goodbye to the receptionist because she was always so nice to me and a few friends, but the best part was the feeling I got when I left the building. It was a victorious moment in my life. I felt strong, I felt powerful and in my heart of hearts I knew I did the right thing. This fat girl, the one my supervisor hated and had been trying to fire for the last 4 months of my time at the company was finally leaving the building.

I had no job to go to, the economy sucked, as it still does, but I didn't care. I felt as if I got the upper hand this time and that's an incredible feeling of liberation, it's something I had never experienced before; it was exhilarating, a personal victory! I was free!

I had the same feeling after weight loss surgery. I felt as if the chains that held me down for so long were finally lifted. I couldn't eat the way I used to, but I could still eat what I wanted, just not the same volume as before, and that's okay. It's a fair compromise as far as I'm concerned, and I know that instead of filling my small stomach up with non nutritious junk, I'd rather fill it up with healthy food.

Deciding to have this surgery was like bungee jumping off a bridge because you trust that all will go well and you won't plunge to your death. It's literally a leap of faith just like having VSG. I trusted a man, a medical professional to keep me alive, to make me better, to fix my fat problem, but I could have died and like bungee jumping that was a chance I was willing to take. Living life pre-op may as well have been death. I didn't go out anymore, I couldn't go to the mall or shopping because it hurt too much to walk, and while the world was turning, my life was slipping away. When I was being taken to the operating room was the moment I was about to bungee jump off that bridge and my mind raced with thoughts: Was I doing the right thing? Am I going to have any regrets? What do I tell people? What do I tell my family? It was too late, the anesthesia was in my IV and now there was no turning back, but I wasn't scared, I trusted my surgeon and I trusted God. I swear I felt my deceased parents tell me it was going to be alright just before I lost consciousness. Even the night before surgery, I heard my father talking to me telling me I was doing the right thing. He was proud of me, and with that blessing I jumped.

I've said this before, it's not an easy decision to make. Like a drug addict or alcoholic, you have to hit bottom, that ugly place where you decide if you want to live or die and after contemplating for a while, you make your decision. While everything was leaning towards the hopeless and that I'd never lose weight and be healthy again, at the 11th hour I chose life.

An old friend came to mind the other day, she's really a "used to be" friend. She was a big girl when I first me her, so was I. However, little by little she chipped away at it and ended up losing a little over 100 lbs. I gave her nothing but praise. I didn't judge her before or after, I was proud of her. I will admit I was also a little jealous and mad but only at myself, because I didn't have her willpower. Then one day, she got mad at me because I did something nice for someone she didn't like too much, and as payback, she went online and told some of our mutual friends how fat I was, how big my hips and thighs were and how the size of one of my calfs was equivalent of one of her legs, and she carried on about how she lost weight and now weighed x amount of pounds. I know this because someone showed me her post, and all I could think of was, "how dare she judge?"

I don't get it. She was once a big girl, she lost weight and now she feels she has the right to judge other overweight people? It's a blessing she's not my friend anymore, but in a way it disturbs me that she has forgotten her past, but I think she did more out of revenge than anything else, to humiliate me about my weight because she was mad at me. Talk about burning one's bridges! In any event, not only do I NOT need friends like that, her plan backfired; everyone saw right through her.

So this fat girl is leaving many buildings and leaving a lot of her past behind. She will inspire others, and remain humbled by a gift given to her by her surgeon through God. I will never forget my past as I go along this journey. It's time to move on and let go.

A la prossima!

I Want More But My Sleeve is too Small!

I made another yummy dinner tonight that I want to share with you. It involves chicken, because you can never have too many chicken recipes and it involves tomatoes - the San Marzano kind and for the carb eaters, some whole wheat Rotini pasta. The chicken came out so yummydelicious that I think everyone should make this dish if not just once in your life:

Oh, and P.S. I am going to try to buy a camera this weekend! Yaokay!

Chicken Roll Ups with Tomato Sauce

5 Chicken cutlets
5 pieces of proscuitto
4 ounces of Fontina cheese, grated
1 fat clove of garlic minced
1 small onion, minced
2 tablespoon olive oil
1 tablespoon of butter
1/4 tsp. of chili flakes (optional)
salt and pepper
Toothpicks

Pound out each chicken breast until flat, add a slice of proscuitto and about 1/2 ounce of cheese (a little more than a tablespoonful), roll and close with a toothpick. Heat 1 tablespoon of olive oil and butter in a pan and when hot, place chicken rollups in and cook until brown on all sides. I did not need more oil for this. When cooked, set aside. **Warning, these will not be cooked through.

In the same pan, add the other tablespoon of olive oil, then add onion, garlic and chili flakes and cook until fragrant. Add can of tomatoes and cook for about 5 minutes on low heat, then place the chicken back in and cook covered for about 10-20 minutes on low heat. You can add your salt and pepper before you take it off the heat or after or not at all. I used a little pepper but no salt.

I ate a piece of chicken with sauce and nothing else, and while I found it difficult to finish the entire cutlet, I was disappointed because I wanted to finish it! I guess old habits die hard.

I was happy I didn't have any pasta, I let my husband eat that!

A la prossima!

Dealing with the Aftermath

As I've mentioned in another post, I haven't told many people about my surgery. The only people in my life who know are my husband, my two cousins and 2 friends. My husband is my supporter 100% of the way, my 2 cousins both had the surgery so I needed them to lean on before and after, and my two friends... well, that's another story. I told my friend M because I've known her forever and I trust her to keep my confidences. If I told M that I murdered someone in cold blood, she wouldn't even wince, the secret would go to the grave with her. My other friend J went ahead and told another mutual friend of ours who has a big mouth and loves to gossip.

So now I imagine EVERYONE knows.

The problem I have with this is some people are judgmental, some are nosy and others want to either sabotage you or watch you fail. For instance, when I was a lot younger and only had 35 lbs. to lose, the only other person who knew was my mother, and only because we went to Weight Watchers meetings together and we supported one another. So as my friends and other family members watched a good chunk of me disappear, I got a lot of positive comments, however, whenever I went to a party or family cookout, people watched what was on my plate, and I'd get comments like, "are you supposed to be eating that?" or "be careful or you'll put all your weight back on." Or the one I love the most, "so how much weight have you lost?" There was even a time when someone took a plate of cookies off the table and said it would be "too much temptation for me." Really? I didn't even know they were there! The problem is I don't want to have to deal with negativity or nosiness. I am going to change and look different to people as I continue on my journey and there are inevitably going to be stares and comments; I was told I'll probably even lose a friend or two along the way, I hope that doesn't happen but if it does, well maybe they weren't really a friend to begin with. I do know this - as I lose weight, people are going to be watching me. They're going to watch everything I eat and make all kinds of comments and some will even wait for me to fail. I'll probably hear, "oh I know someone who had that surgery and it didn't work." That's great encouragement. Maybe the reason why it didn't work is because they didn't put the effort into making it work!

There's no reason why I have to keep trying to convince people on why I chose weight loss surgery or that I took the easy way out. Well, fuck yes I did take the easy way out because the traditional way wasn't working and I made the ultimate sacrifice of having a part of my body removed so I can finally be successful!

We live in a fat phobic world, where it's much easier to poke fun or ostracize people who are fat because we're considered weak, lazy and have no willpower. Yep, it's my fault I got fat therefore I am seen to the world as a failure.

Everyone has an opinion on how to handle obesity, but I can say that not very many of these people have had their mothers die in their arms. My mother was also overweight and she yo-yo'd more than anyone I know, and she paid for it with her life. She developed diabetes which resulted in heart failure and 11 years ago at the age of 60 she died in my arms. Who would have thought that the almost 5 lb little girl she held in her arms on the day she was born would be holding her on the day of her death? It's ironic.

Eight years later I lost my dad, also to diabetes which resulted in kidney failure and heart disease. Even though my dad was never really overweight, diabetes is hereditary and I'm prone to having it so why not nip it in the bud and try to keep it away for as long as I possibly can? I'm a lot like my dad, I love life and I want to continue to be active and loving life for as long as I can.

I had my surgery because I don't want die young.

Pre-op I had high blood pressure and was incontinent, now that's history. I still have sleep apnea and severe bone on bone arthritis and it's only a matter of time before that's not an issue anymore. I am also borderline diabetic and I won't know anymore until my blood work is done next month. So I'm off to an excellent start.

I just hope that one day people will understand that being overweight and failing at weight loss is an emotional roller coaster and the last thing we need is negativity and ignorance because they don't understand or have been there. I do know it's not going to go away, it's human nature and people will be people, so I'm going to have to learn to grow a stronger backbone, some thicker skin and learn to brush it off my shoulders. It's all part of the journey.

A la prossima!

Just Kvetching

I've been having some discomfort lately and I have to get to the bottom of this soon. It seems whenever I eat, I have hunger pangs about 30 minutes later, and they seem to last for several hours. I try to drink water or iced tea in hopes that it goes away but it just gets worse, and I know it's not hunger because I'm full! I couldn't get anymore food in me if I wanted to!

I was almost tempted to go to a VSG message board VSG that I began frequenting pre and post op for a while, but it seems whenever I ask a question there, I get little to no response. I won't even say the name of this site because generally it's a good site, but I don't get as much support as I need from it, so I'll just wait to ask my surgeon when I see him on Tuesday.

I've lost not a pound this week, but it sure seems like my clothes are getting even bigger so what's up with the friggin' scale then? Again, not doing anything different as far as what I consume goes, I am still eating between 600-800 calories a day, watching my salt and fat intake, blah, blah, blah. I've even been going out, walking around (as best as I can with a cane), trying to get some exercise in.... and nothing. I hate my body. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it!

And since I'm here pouring my heart out to anyone who will listen, I did make a white bean dip this weekend which is low carb, protein laden and tasty! I found this recipe on the Weight Watcher's site but have altered it to suit my tastes and make it my very own. I haven't had any of it yet, but I did taste it and it's definitely a hit.

White Bean Dip

1 can Canellini beans
Juice of half a small lemon, about a tablespoon
1 tbsp. lemon zest
1/3 c. of green pepper, diced
1/2 tsp. garlic powder
1/2 tsp. dried basil
Salt and pepper to taste

Use whatever you have, a blender, immersion blender, Ninja or Magic Bullet and whiz until smooth. Let sit in the fridge for about an hour before consuming.

I plan on having some this afternoon for lunch with sliced cucumber and grape tomatoes.

I'm also going take a moment to thank the Gods in heaven because since I've had surgery, the little "gassy" problem I used to have is gone! I'm not a huge meat eater and the alternatives have always left me feeling a bit bloated, but since surgery, I am finding that I can eat beans, tofu, etc., and not suffer the repercussions. It's totally a good thing!

Well, need to get my to-do list in order and make something of this day.

A la Prossima!

YUM!

So while I'm working on my food addiction, there is a part of it that I will never kick, and that's my addiction to watching the Food Network and The Cooking Channel as well as various public television cooking programs that I happen to catch if I'm lucky. I get a lot of my recipe ideas from watching some of my favorite chefs like my homies Giada and Emeril, and my new favorites Roger Mooking because he's not only handsome, he's an awesome cook and musician, the beautiful Nigella Lawson and my new homegirl Nadia G! And if you've ever seen her on her show Bitchin' Kitchen and know me, you'll find our personalities are very similar. She's speaks Italian, and incorporates it into her dialogue, so do I, she has a warped sense of humor, so do I, she's freakishly flamboyant... ya, me too! I think you get it. I digress.

On one particular night I happen to be watching Food(ography) and saw a chef make this awesome dish that I thought would go well with my diet. It had vegetables, protein and low carb. He called himself The 99 Cent Chef and he called his dish Portabella Crab Rockefeller. Of course, I didn't write down the recipe, why would I ever do something that makes sense? I did, however, remember most of the ingredients and bought them on my recent food shopping excursion. Now that I've found his blog and realized I don't have all the ingredients, I not only feel like a big dumbass, I decided to make the dish anyway minus a few things I forgot to buy, but it was still YUMMY! Abso-f'n-lutely delicious!!

I have to give Mr. 99 cent Chef's all the credit here, this creation is fabulous! So if you'd like to make his version that includes everything I forgot, go on, but if you prefer to make my version I'll appreciate the love, believe me!

So here's my version which I'll call Spinach, Mushroom, Crab Thingies, (yeah, that'll do.)

3 Medium Sized Portobello mushrooms
1 bag of spinach
1 6 oz. can of crabmeat (I used Bumble Bee)
1 small onion, diced
1 fat clove of garlic or two small ones, minced
3 slices of Kraft Singles 2% Milk American Cheese (It was all I had in the fridge!)
1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
1 tablespoon of olive oil
Salt and Pepper to taste

Clean the inside of the mushroom by removing the gills (or whatever they're called) and the stem, rinse under cold water (washing is optional**), dry with paper towels, set aside.

In a saute pan add the olive oil, when hot add diced onion and minced garlic and cook until onions are almost tender, add cleaned spinach and cook down, add salt and pepper at this point if you like, remove from heat. The rest of the spinach will wilt on its own.

Open can of crab meat, place in a colander and rinse all the salt and nasties off of them, grab a couple of handfuls and give them a good squeeze to get all the water out, place in a small bowl add 1 tablespoon of mayo.

At this point, fire up the broiler.

Add spinach mixture to the mushroom caps, top with crab mixture and add cheese on top. Place in broiler, about 9 inches away from flame and broil until the cheese melts and/or browns on top.

Eat!

The 99 Cent Chef uses flour, breadcrumbs and wine which I no longer consume, he also uses cream and parmesan which I forgot to buy, hey I made this recipe from memory, cut me some slack! I will say, however, that the only drawback to this dish is that once it stops cooking, there's an awful lot of water seepage from the mushroom and the spinach, which is why he uses the flour to thicken. Maybe next time I'll try to thicken it with something I can have on my diet!

Also, I don't have a dollar store near me, so I paid about 3 dollars for the mushrooms, 3 dollars for the bag of spinach and about 4 dollars for the crabmeat, hey I'm not a Rockefeller, not even remotely related, but I live where it's cold 9 months of the year and everything is shipped from warmer climates so we pay more, I'll work on money saving for my next dish.

Eating low carb is actually pretty good. I haven't had a slice of bread or any kind of carb since Feb. 22. I do miss pizza, pasta, rice and of course white potatoes, and I know eventually I'll CRAVE one of those items, but I'm not worried. If any of them happened to present themselves to me, I won't deny myself - that's what eating in moderation is all about.

** I wash my mushrooms even though I'm told one is supposed to wipe them, but hell I don't know whose hands have been on them, where their hands have been or whether they were clean so I don't take any chances, I wash.

Thank you Mr. 99 Cent Chef!

Alla Prossima!

Dinner

Still high from my Saturday weigh in and since the weather has been sunny and just a little bit warm, it's an added bonus and a reminder that summer will be here soon and I'm looking forward to feeling great!

I'm also still looking into buying a good point and click camera and may go out tomorrow to find one.

Tonight I made Turkey Chili with beans, but before I give you my low cal, low carb recipe, I have to admit that I've been doing something wrong when I eat. I have stopped measuring my food and am giving myself a little bit less than the same amount I ate before surgery, and I think I'm eating too fast and not chewing my food well enough. The reason why I think this is because every time I eat, even if I think I've had enough food and should stop eating, about 2-3 minutes later, I get this pain at the top of stomach signaling me that I'm full, and then I get REALLY FULL! Like to the point where I wished I could perform magic and push the clock ahead about an hour so the uncomfortable full feeling will go away.

I also have a problem eating dense foods. By that I mean any cooked ground meat, it seems I can eat about two bites and that horrible uncomfortable feeling comes back. So tonight after I finished cooking the chili, I portioned out about 2/3 of a cup. I ate about 4 small spoonfuls and stopped, and as usual, the familiar pain followed by the uncomfortable feeling arrives, which also resulted in eating only half of my dinner. And then it dawned on me that maybe I'm eating too fast, maybe I'm trying to eat too much and MAYBE I'm not chewing enough! Maybe I'm getting a little too comfortable with this sleeve and have been caught off guard!!

With this in mind, my next meal will be tomorrow morning at breakfast and I am going to be very, very mindful of what I'm doing.

Here ya go, my Turkey Chili Recipe:

1 lb. of ground turkey, preferably 93/7
1 medium green pepper, diced
1 medium onion, diced
2 small cloves of garlic or one fat one, minced
1 28 oz can of tomatoes, you may have to crush them by hand.
1 can of tomato paste
1 14 oz. can of Goya black beans (or any plain, canned black beans), drained and rinsed
2 tblsp. of chili powder
1 tsp. of cumin
1 tsp. of mexican oregano
1/2 tsp of chili flakes or to your preference
2 tblsp of olive oil
salt and pepper to taste

On medium heat, heat oil in a big sauce pan and crumble in turkey and cook until almost all of the water has evaporated. Add minced garlic, pepper and onions and stir until almost cooked (about 5 minutes), add spices, salt, pepper and cook for another minute, then add tomatos and tomato paste and stir. cover and simmer on low heat for about 30 minutes.

Drain and rinse a can of black beans, throw into the pot and let cook for another 5 minutes.

Enjoy!


**This was my mother in law's recipe. I remember clearly the day she gave it to me and when she mentioned Mexican oregano, I almost laughed in her face because I thought she was just being sarcastic, and Mexican oregano didn't really exist, well low and behold and may she rest in eternal peace, my mother in law has been gone for about 12 years and I only found out several months ago that It DOES EXIST!

I can hear you laughing in heaven Mum!

Drum Roll Please

Saturday morning weigh in.....

27 pounds!!!!!!!!!!

Am I happy? Hells yeah!! If I didn't have severe osteoarthritis in my knee I'd be doing a moon walk right now!

And to think that 2 week stall I had the week after surgery would never end.

For once in my life I'm not on a diet, counting calories or points or subscribing to Nutrisystem et al. Not that there's anything wrong with Nutrisystem, none of that worked for me, but now I can't overeat if I wanted to!

I made the ultimate sacrifice to end the madness once and for all and I'm the happiest I've ever been. EVER!

I haven't had any bread since February 22, 2011, the day before surgery and I don't miss it.

As I think back, I wish I had done this years ago, but I do believe in God and that God has a plan for all of us. I really don't think I would have had the guts to go through WL surgery several years ago because the timing wasn't right. I also think I have a guardian angel and he's my dad who I love and miss so very much. I'll bet he had a hand in this as well.

On the other hand, I have to stop thinking of the past and move forward with the future. I was fired from a job because of my weight. My new supervisor apparently didn't like heavy women who dressed and looked better than her, and it didn't take much to pry it out of her either, while she never actually came out and said it, she came within a hair of close, that was enough for me. Let's face it, fat people are more discriminated against than anyone, at least in my opinion. When I had my annual review at this company I was let go from, the manager of the department I worked in also didn't like me, most of his hires were pretty girls who were young, had nice legs and wore short skirts, I was transferred to his department while he was out on leave, so when my annual review came up, I sat down with this manager and instead of talking to me about it, he threw it across the desk at me.

Oh and he was senior management. So fucking professional.

It hurt. It hurt a lot but he never saw the hurt because I walked out of his office with my dignity and my head held high.

So the day I was fired, I also walked out of there with my head held high and never looked back. All those conversations I had with the HR department were useless because they defended the idiots. And then I found out that the HR department was outsourced and of course they defended the managers I complained about, they didn't want to lose their gig!

Life goes on. My father taught me to brush bullcrap like this off my back and walk away, and I do.

Today I'm ecstatic! Have a happy Saturday everyone!

Insomnia and Shkoffing

So it's 4:45 in the morning and I haven't been able to sleep. This has been happening quite a lot since I've had the surgery but I'm not sure if it's related. I just know that right now I'd love to sleep, but it won't come.

I saw my nutritionist on Monday who put me back on solid food. I told her I felt like I was being snipped from the umbilical cord and thrown out into the world naked! I need guidance!! She just looked at me and said, you know what to do and then suggested I start B-12 vitamins for energy. I sure could use some energy right now. Ever since this surgery I've been so tired, I can't get up in the morning. I have to pry myself out of bed so maybe the B-12 will help. I hope.

I need to watch my intake of carbs, especially bread, and if I do eat bread, it's better toasted because it'll go down easier and my new tummy will be able to handle it better. I like toast so that's okay with me. I made cube steaks the other night and took the smallest piece with about 4-5 cubes of potato. I ate half of the steak which I'm assuming was about 3 ounces and 2-3 pieces of potato and I was done. So far I've been doing great, tonight I had about 2 ounces of chicken salad on a low carb tortilla and I was happy. Now, with the small amount of food that I have to eat, why the fuck does not weight not come off faster? I eat anywhere from 500-700 calories a day, that is so beyond normal but again, the scale doesn't go up and it doesn't go down. Ah, I guess if I was in my mid 20's again, it would be spiraling down faster than a speeding train, but being in my 50's makes it suck all the more.

Anyway, I need to invest in a camera because I've been experimenting with food, and would like to take some pics to show you. Tonight I made a dessert. I don't have a name for it and it's probably been invented already so I'm not claiming genius status here. So here it is, if you're interested:

1 cup of part skim ricotta cheese
1/2 c. of greek yogurt
Dash of vanilla extract
1/2 tsp. Saigon cinnamon
1 package of Stevia

Mix it all up till smooth. Done.

I shkoffed down about a 1/2 cup. Oh, I'm sorry, I can't schkoff anymore, so I ate it slowly giving the dessert time to send that signal to my brain saying, "hey shithead, enough!"
It has about 25 grams of protein for the entire recipe and maybe 180 calories, and it makes about 3 servings. I think.

It's 5:06 am, I think I should shut down my computer and try to sleep.

g'night!
Nica

The Dreaded Stall

So let's see, I had my surgery on the 23rd of February, that first week I lost 20 lbs. I guess when all you can have are liquids and pureed soups and foods, it tends to come off fast. A week later I lost nothing, the week after that nothing again. "It's a stall," I'm told, "it's your body trying to catch up with all the weight it just lost, you'll start losing again." Really? Well, it's pissing me off! Every day I got on the scale and it didn't move. It didn't go up and it didn't go down. It was stuck. I have a digital scale. I thought about throwing it out and buying a new one, I thought about changing the batteries, but then my husband gets on it and proclaims, "it works fine!" Great, I thought and then started going through a laundry list in my head of what could possibly be wrong with me that I'm not losing weight.

Week 4 arrives, I stepped on the scale Monday morning and I'm down 1 pound. Hmm… I thought, maybe… just maybe I'm out of the slump. The next day I did it again, I was down a half pound more. Wednesday morning, down another half pound. Well, it's Friday morning and so far I've lost 3 pounds this week! The stall is over! YESSSSS!!! It seemed like the longest 2 weeks of torture I've ever experienced.

My big issue right now is getting some exercise in. I have severe osteoarthritis in my right knee, which I'm hoping will not be an issue as I continue to lose weight, but for now it's difficult for me to get in any kind of exercise. I'm still on a "no lifting" restriction from my surgeon for at least another 2-3 weeks. I know once I start working out, I'll lose weight faster, and at the same time get rid of some the excess skin I'm going to be experiencing. After all, I can't possibly overeat, at 4 week post-op, I eat like a 2 year old. I can only hold in a half cup of food with each meal. I have to get my protein drinks and water in which is not very easy, but I try. Last night I shared a 1 1/2 oz. turkey burger with my cat. I just couldn't finish it.

So exercise is an issue for me right now. I think tomorrow I'm going to go to the Y and see if I can join their water aerobics class. I have to do something, but for now I think the dreaded stall is over!

50 Reasons

Why I had Weight Loss Surgery

1. I don't want to get Diabetes
2. I don't want to have high blood pressure anymore
3. I don't want to have sleep apnea anymore
4. I don't want to have high cholesterol anymore
5. I don't want to have stress incontinence anymore
6. I am tired of being discriminated against by employers and prospective employers
7. I want my knee pain to go away so I can walk again
8. I want to be able to sit in ANY chair
9. I want to look at myself in the mirror and not see rolls of chin
10. I want to be able to wear Jeans with a zipper
11. I don't want to have swollen ankles anymore
12. I'm tired of children making fun of me or telling me that I'm fat. Yeah, I know I am.
13. I want my sense of pride back
14. I want to run 5 miles
15. I want to work out with weights again
16. I want to stop snoring so my husband can sleep
17. I want to move a little faster
18. I want to go to the beach again
19. I want to go to shopping with my girlfriends again
20. I don't want a choice of 2 stores to buy clothes
21. I want to be able to tolerate New England humidity in the summer.
22. I want to walk up a flight of stairs without panting
23. I don't want to look like Shamu anymore
24. I want to love my bathroom scale or any scale!
25. I want to go to my High School reunion next year and look hot!
26. I want to have a love affair with my husband
27. I want to travel to Ireland
28. I want to travel to Italy
29. I want to travel to Greece
30. I want to travel to Vietnam
31. I want to be employed again
32. I want to be a trophy wife!
33. I want to get rid of my fat clothes
34. I want to sit down without rolls of belly fat getting in my way
35. I want to lose my ghetto booty
36. I want to be able to bend down and tie my sneakers without my face getting red
37. I want to look sexy again
38. I want to wear a bathing suit, not a bikini - a one piece
39. I want to stand in front of a mirror and like what I see
40. I want my thighs to stop rubbing together
41. I want to look at my old pictures and laugh
42. I want to stop yo-yo dieting
43. I want to wear my size 9 leather pants again
44. I want to learn to cook like a thin person
45. I don't want to have to say excuse me when I'm trying to go down a narrow aisle
46. I want to dance again
47. I want to love life again
48. I want to be healthy
49. I want to stay alive
50. I want to love me

Hello!

Since this is my first blog in a very long time, I'm a little confused on how to begin. I have a lot to say, but don't know where to start. On a totally different subject, I've noticed a great improvement in blogger.com! Bravo! When I first began blogging, I had to know HTML in order to design my blog, otherwise I was left with little choice in how I wanted my blog to look!

As you've notice from my "About Me" column, I had weight loss surgery on February 23, 2011. That's what I call the day I was reborn. I can't believe as I write this, my surgery was a month ago today and so far I haven't any regrets, and while I haven't lost a LOT of weight, I have lost 22 pounds since my first pre-op visit. I'm not happy, but it's more than I would have lost had I not had this surgery.

I became very depressed pre-surgery, and I'm sure you've heard many people say this, but I really don't know how I let myself get to 278 lbs! I had a lot of medical issues; high blood pressure, my cholesterol was in the warning zone, I was inching up towards diabetes, and on top of all that I have severe osteoarthritis in my knee which prevents me from walking and keeps me home a lot. My depression started last summer when my husband mentioned going out to take a walk on the beach. He said he missed it. He doesn't know this but that one statement he made was the icing on the cake that sent me into the pit of depression. I haven't told him to this day, and probably never will, but that day I made up my mind to do something about my situation.

I wasn't sure what to do and then, similar to the time I quit smoking, I woke up one day and had an epiphany. Weight loss surgery. That was it! I was tired of the countless diets I was on that either did absolutely nothing or bored me to tears. I had to do something. My problem is food, I like to too much. I don't eat to sustain myself, I eat when I'm happy, sad, bored, depressed and angry. It's my drug, my addiction, my go to for comfort. I was a slave to food, it ruled my life and I had to put an end to it.

I was also unemployed with minimal health insurance. It covered the basic necessities like doctor's visits, prescriptions and that's about it. So I decided if the insurance wouldn't pay for the surgery, I had a CD that my dad left me that I would cash out and pay for it myself. It wasn't money squandered, it was an investment in myself. The next move I made was to call my doctor who agreed with me regarding the surgery and began making the necessary motions to get me started. After a gadzillion medical and psych tests later, I was ready!

Today, a month later and 22 pounds lost, I am not hungry anymore, I eat because I need the nutrients to keep me healthy and for my new tummy to heal. I'm doing everything right and afraid not to do anything my doctor tells me. I can't overeat if I wanted to!

Not a lot of people in my life know about my surgery. I've decided to keep it to myself because, well some tend to judge, and I don't feel like arguing or trying to defend what I've done. I did this for me. It was a selfish act, but fortunately I love life too much and I want to live out the rest of my life as a healthy, active individual.

I know I have a long, hard road ahead of me but I have a tool for now that will help me get through it, and when that tool has worn out its welcome, the rest is up to me, and honestly, I've been through too much to go back. I'll never go back!