The Girl I Used To Be

I've been away for a while, but now finals are over, summer is around the corner, I have time now to get done the things I need to get done and I'm loving me a little bit more, and in the time I've been away from this blog, I've learned a few things; one of them hit me today. I am slowly but surely becoming my old self again. Today I felt the girl that has been trapped inside me for so long trying to come out again, and today I also found out I have lost a total of 37 lbs. 3 more to go to 40!

I went to CVS today to pick up a few things when I smelled something light, flowery, and clean so I followed the scent and found many different bottles of body sprays. At this point I became confused and am unable to tell if it's a combination of scents that has attracted me or was it one in particular? As I began spraying the tester bottles into the air, it dawned on me that I haven't worn scent other than soap or shower gel in ages. The last bottle of perfume I bought was Sunflowers and that was sometime in the mid 90s!! It also dawned on me that I used to wear scent because it made me feel "alive," and that's the key word here. Since I've lost a good amount of weight I'm beginning to feel alive again! I'm yanking my pants up to under my breasts, only for them to slide down and having to yank them back up every few minutes or so. This is a great feeling!

I went to a consignment shop with a friend a few days ago and while waiting outside the dressing room for her I happened to look at myself in the full length mirror, and for a moment I didn't know who I was (It was a very short moment!) The crotch of my pants was hanging below where it naturally should be!

I can actually cut my toenails again because my stomach isn't in the way anymore, I can bend down and tie my sneakers without my face getting red and coming back up trying to catch my breath.

I am even doing better at the gym, going every other day. I stopped fighting with the elliptical. My knee hurts when I'm on it and there's nothing I can do about it until my knee stops hurting. I took the advice of my hunky surgeon and got on the bike instead. The first time I could only stay on it for 5 minutes, yesterday I finished 20 minutes and could have done another 5 but I didn't want to push it. I began weight training and that burns calories all night long and it's making a difference.

Today got me thinking of how long it's been since I've really been happy. I thought I was, but apparently I've been lying to myself all along. I am the original Queen of Denial. I buried the shame of how I looked, how much food I ate and why I ate. I buried my love affair and gluttony with food. Food was my go-to for emotional support and yet it was killing me at the same time.

I also thought about where I would have been today had I not made that leap of faith and had my VSG surgery; I may have been 37 (maybe more) pounds heavier, still fighting that vicious cycle of weight loss, still yo yo dieting and still eating to death.

The fog in my head is clearing, I'm beginning to put the pieces of my life puzzle back together again, and I look forward to the day when I can finally bury the old body image of myself and see the new me emerging to life! It's going to be awesome!

So this journey has been one of trial, error and learning. Sometimes I feel like a 2-year old, (heaven knows I eat like one) who has a big world to see and learn about. Some days I feel like a runner looking to make that finish line. Some moments there will be bumps in the road and some will be smooth sailing. All I know is that regardless of what happens along the way, I have to keep pushing towards my personal finish line, and once aging become the girl I used to be, and that will also be awesome!

And speaking of awesome, I want to introduce you to a man in my life who rocked my world and gave me a new chance at life.

He's handsome, sweet, personable, kind, has a beautiful soul and I love him. I also pray that God keeps him strong and healthy and did I say that I love him? He's my surgeon, and he's the very best!!