Monday, December 29, 2014

Hello My Name is Nica, and I'm a Food Addict

For those of you who still check in here once in a while, thank you. I’m sorry I haven’t been posting. My life has been a roller coaster of problems, issues and fuck ups (mainly mine) that I need to sort out.

I have to be absolutely honest with you. My stomach surgery did not work. It didn’t work for several reasons. Most of them are my problems with the exception of one, and I'll go into that later in this post.

My problem: I have severe bone on bone osteoarthritis in my right knee. My knee is collapsing over itself. I have trouble walking and cannot walk for more than 5 minutes without excruciating pain. I’m at the point where pain relievers like Advil and Aleve no longer work. I lead a very sedentary lifestyle because I can’t work out or walk.

My problem: I suffer from depression and anxiety. Some of my depression is personal, the rest is due to my arthritis. On beautiful days I look out the window yearning to be outside despite the temperature, but I can’t because it hurts too much to walk. I’ve had several ortho doctors and none of them will do knee replacement until I lose weight; and the Catch-22 is I can’t lose weight because I can’t walk, therefore I can't get to a gym or exercise. Therefore I have resigned myself to being in pain for the rest of my life. I have tried everything including cutting back on calories to where I was eating approximately 800 calories a day, and not one ounce of weight was shed because I can't work it off.

My problem: I have Thyroid disease. Hashimoto's to be exact. It "may" have something to do with lack of weight loss, it may not. My TSH level is between .49 and 1. My endocrinologist says I should be able to lose weight.

I do the food shopping every week. I come home in tears from the pain in my knee from walking. I can’t carry the groceries inside the house nor can I put them away, so my husband does it. It hurts to climb stairs and do laundry. It hurts to climb into the shower or blow dry my hair. I can't do very much housecleaning, although I try. My husband does the laundry and a few other things around the house, but I do the cooking, which is painful because I also can't stand for very long and resort to quick, easy meals that doesn't require much standing. I’m also a student. More than anything I would love to attend a live, traditional classroom setting, but schools are big buildings, and I'm unable to walk from one class to the next.

Several semesters ago, I took a class in addiction. I had a wonderful professor who was very thorough and very knowledgeable about the subject. I learned about addictive behaviors and that people are addicted to all sorts of things other than drugs and alcohol. Addictions can also manfest themselves in sex, gambling, shopping and food for example. Yes food. I learned something else. I have many of those addictive behaviors. I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t take any sort of drug that would alter my consciousness, I don’t gamble and I don’t shop. My addiction is food. I self medicate with food. I use it when I'm happy and I lean on it when I'm sad. Like an alcoholic who reaches for a drink, I reach for food.

I attended several, different Overeaters Anonymous classes. It's a great concept, for those that like it. The ones I attended were very religion based. I felt like I was sitting in bible class, there is no human connection. No one talks to each other, the mediator does not talk to others except to ask if they would read passages from the "book." Everyone thanks their creator for helping them, the session is over and I'm more confused than ever before. I did not get satisfaction, it did not help me.

In February of 2011, I had bariatric surgery. I went through the multitudes of medical tests both physical and psychological. I was so excited. I thought finally I'd be able to eat less, lose weight and be happy; but it didn’t happen. Yes, I did lose about 45 lbs initially, but I had 125 lbs. more to lose. Don’t get me wrong, I do not, for one single moment, regret my surgery. Not at all. The staff at the hospital where I had the surgery was great, but then they dropped me. I would go back every few months or so, I’d see a Registered Dietician, but she kept telling me I was doing great, and inside I knew I wasn’t.

As I said at the beginning of this post, most everything is my problem except for this: What hospital bariatric departments fail to discuss with their patients is addictionn as a possible reason for obesity. Bariatric surgery is great, eating less food is great, but it's not the answer. When the individual gets home and back to routine, and the addiction begins to rear its ugly head again, eating less goes right out the window. It’s what happened to me. I am a food addict. Food is my life. There isn’t a day that goes by that I am not thinking about what my next meal is going to be. Just like a substance abuser who doesn't stop thinking about his or her next fix or drink. The only issue is people with subtance addictions can survive without it, but food is a necessity. I don’t know why I do this, although I have a sneaking suspicion that self loathing may play a role.

I started this blog because I wanted to be like all the other bariatric bloggers. I wanted to report my progress and share recipes. I used to read blogs like The World According to Egg Face, Metlting Mama and a few others. I wanted to be part of a group with a common interest, but was not very well accepted. You see, I had questions. College has taught me to be a critical thinker, except my questions fell on deaf ears... unless they wanted you to buy something or participate in something that would benefit them, then you're inbox would be flooded. I'm sorry for being so harsh, but it's the truth. They're not the rock stars of the blogging world, so they feel they don't have to respond to their fans, so I stopped being a fan. I want to accomplish the same things they did. I looked to them for guidance and then I stopped reading them because they did not help me.

It’s not about eliminating carbs and eating protein packed foods, (and if I hear “protein packed” one more time, I’ll vomit.) It’s not about all the freebies you get from Bariatic food companies to give away in an effort to get more readers to your blog. It's not about doing TV appearances or going to all the conventions. None of that helps you or me, it helps them.

My addiction is not about eating food, it is about what’s eating me. It's about what causes me to self medicate with food. I’m sure there are plenty of you out there who do feel the same way.

Ironically, my major is nutritional science. I study the biology of the body and food and how they work together. I don't want to end up your run of the mill, self proclaimed nutritionist. Anyone can be a nutritionist, you don't need a degree or license to practice that. Besides, they don't study the human body, they don't put hours upon hours of study time in like I do. Their excuse is I study mainstream science, but I still do all the studying, while they're off getting their degree from google and being know-it-alls. I want to use what I study to help others. My semester starts again in a few weeks, I’m not sure how much time I can dedicate to this blog, but I will certainly try. If you believe that you are addicted to food and can honestly come out and say it, then I’d like you to join me as we try to work this out together.