Melting Mama's blog about women and bullying reminded me of a childhood friend I once had, and my first experience with bullying. B and I were BFF's for a good part of 10 years. After high school she got engaged and began planning her wedding, assuming that since I was her BFF and she had no sisters or female relatives, I would be in her wedding party. In fact she even hinted about it, but one day I received the phone call where she told me that she found someone else to be her maid of honor and gave me the reason that I was "too fat." to be in her wedding, but I would be invited as a guest. Yes, those were her exact words that are clear to me today as they were some 30 years ago. Really??? I wouldn't have really cared if I were in her wedding or not, but the fact that she hinted, asked and then took it back, really hurt. It hurt because we were close, we shared secrets and did those stupid things that young girls do. I never went to her wedding and afterwards I conveniently lost touch with her.
I was always a chubby kid, and there were a few kids who pointed it out to me like I was some dumb ass or didn't own a mirror, but my weight never really bothered me. In the 4th grade, the teacher sent me up to the board to solve a math problem. I had problems with math and I couldn't do the problem. She wrote a note and sent me to the principal's office with it. I read the note on the way there and it said I was having problems with math because I couldn't pay attention, was lazy and fat. YES, this is true! It still didn't bother me. The reason why I didn't understand math is because I needed extra help, like some skinny kids sometimes do. I don't remember going to the principal's office, I erased that part from my memory.
Still, it didn't bother me. My "chubbiness" was accepted in my culture, it showed good health and good status for my parents, formerly very poor and uneducated peasants from a European country who came to the US and did well.
And my BFF's words externally didn't bother me (so I thought). I figured if she thought so poorly of me, then she was never a real friend. I was just a little upset over the time invested in being her friend, but I was young and moved on pretty fast. Internally, her comment festered.
I know, why did I let it bother me? I don't know, but it did. I was always a fat kid, and made up for that by being a funny kid, which is probably why I was never bullied. I covered up my fatness by making kids laugh in school. I never had self esteem issues, I was just a happy, fat kid!
In my mid 20's I decided that maybe it was time to lose a few pounds. I was becoming a career girl, meeting all different kinds of people and had my eye on a few guys. Stupidly, I went on a crash diet, lost 35 lbs. (because that was all I needed to lose at the time) and some of my hair. It was the first time in my life that I had actually been a "skinny" girl, and discovered all that I had been missing. I was going out more, meeting more men, wearing great clothes, wearing a size 7 and liking myself a whole lot! But what my "alleged" friend said to me still, quietly festered in the back of my mind.
A few months ago, this friend found me on Facebook and somehow got my phone number from a mutual friend. The first thing she asked me was, "hey, are you still fat?" Seriously WTF? What kind of question is that? I don't even know what category to file that in, except for maybe "Rude and Tactless Questions." Wouldn't that be somewhat equivalent to asking if one still that crazy-go-funny eye, or if one still wears her hair in pigtails? Would my answer have made a huge difference to her? As I continued talking to her, I realized that anything I said would not have made a difference, she wasn't listening to me! It was all about HER, her problems, her life, her poor, pitiful self!
And this, my friends was a huge relief!
I finally came to terms with myself about her. I saw her for the idiot she really was! Her phone call removed all the years of hurt I felt by those three stupid little words, "you're too fat!" I guess in a manner of speaking, that was a form of bullying even though I wouldn't admit it to myself for many years, I was humiliated, ashamed, betrayed and it changed the way I thought of myself.
You know, I love me. Always did, and now that I've had WLS, I love me even more. You should all love yourselves because YOU are what's important. It's a beautiful feeling!
P.S. When she asked me if I was still fat, I asked her if she ever got braces for her horrendously protruding front teeth. I would never say that to anyone else, but she deserved it and damn it felt good after saying it!
Ha! I clearly do not give a good crap anymore!
A la prossima!
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