Some people have asked me why I titled my blog, "The Fat Girl Has Left The Building." It seemed appropriate at the time, and when I thought about why I did it, my memory kept going back to my last job, and how my supervisor made me feel so inadequate because I was fat. I know I said in a previous post that I was fired, I wasn't - I left on my own volition, but had I stayed, the next step would have been a termination because that's what she was aiming for when she gave me my final warning. I never got a "first" warning. She had people watching me and reporting back to her. She transferred me from one job to another that required a Master's Degree, then she gave me 5 days to learn the job. Really? She made up things about me that I had done wrong, she used inane excuses like I came back from lunch 2 minutes late or that I had left my desk light on all night as reasons to call me in for meetings so she could scold me. Of course since she worked for the president of the company no one would dare go against her. She had the upper hand and she knew how to use and abuse it. I held nothing back, I knew what she was doing, because she was doing the same thing to two more women in my office who were also fat. I told her right out that I was aware of what she was doing, and of course she denied it while choking on her words and trying to find the politically correct thing to say, so I couldn't outright accuse her. I'm not an idiot and I wasn't born yesterday, I know bullshit when I see it.
Fat people are truly discriminated against. I've seen it and I've experienced it. My last job was a total nightmare.
Employers don't want to hire fat people. Apparently we get sick a lot, we use too much health insurance benefits and heaven forbid we'd want to have weight loss surgery, well that'll cost them more money, which in turn they'll just pass off to their employees! They won't tell you any of that, but it's obvious, and the sad thing about it is, there's no way to prove it. It's called silent discrimination. Employers don't sit in meetings to discuss new candidates and say they won't hire a person because they're fat because that would be illegal, but they'll tell the candidate they found someone with more experience or was better qualified. Really? That is such bullshit. The real underlying reason is obvious, just ask any fat person looking for a job.
So the day I gave my notice, I gathered up my things in a box and brought them out the front door. I said goodbye to the receptionist because she was always so nice to me and a few friends, but the best part was the feeling I got when I left the building. It was a victorious moment in my life. I felt strong, I felt powerful and in my heart of hearts I knew I did the right thing. This fat girl, the one my supervisor hated and had been trying to fire for the last 4 months of my time at the company was finally leaving the building.
I had no job to go to, the economy sucked, as it still does, but I didn't care. I felt as if I got the upper hand this time and that's an incredible feeling of liberation, it's something I had never experienced before; it was exhilarating, a personal victory! I was free!
I had the same feeling after weight loss surgery. I felt as if the chains that held me down for so long were finally lifted. I couldn't eat the way I used to, but I could still eat what I wanted, just not the same volume as before, and that's okay. It's a fair compromise as far as I'm concerned, and I know that instead of filling my small stomach up with non nutritious junk, I'd rather fill it up with healthy food.
Deciding to have this surgery was like bungee jumping off a bridge because you trust that all will go well and you won't plunge to your death. It's literally a leap of faith just like having VSG. I trusted a man, a medical professional to keep me alive, to make me better, to fix my fat problem, but I could have died and like bungee jumping that was a chance I was willing to take. Living life pre-op may as well have been death. I didn't go out anymore, I couldn't go to the mall or shopping because it hurt too much to walk, and while the world was turning, my life was slipping away. When I was being taken to the operating room was the moment I was about to bungee jump off that bridge and my mind raced with thoughts: Was I doing the right thing? Am I going to have any regrets? What do I tell people? What do I tell my family? It was too late, the anesthesia was in my IV and now there was no turning back, but I wasn't scared, I trusted my surgeon and I trusted God. I swear I felt my deceased parents tell me it was going to be alright just before I lost consciousness. Even the night before surgery, I heard my father talking to me telling me I was doing the right thing. He was proud of me, and with that blessing I jumped.
I've said this before, it's not an easy decision to make. Like a drug addict or alcoholic, you have to hit bottom, that ugly place where you decide if you want to live or die and after contemplating for a while, you make your decision. While everything was leaning towards the hopeless and that I'd never lose weight and be healthy again, at the 11th hour I chose life.
An old friend came to mind the other day, she's really a "used to be" friend. She was a big girl when I first me her, so was I. However, little by little she chipped away at it and ended up losing a little over 100 lbs. I gave her nothing but praise. I didn't judge her before or after, I was proud of her. I will admit I was also a little jealous and mad but only at myself, because I didn't have her willpower. Then one day, she got mad at me because I did something nice for someone she didn't like too much, and as payback, she went online and told some of our mutual friends how fat I was, how big my hips and thighs were and how the size of one of my calfs was equivalent of one of her legs, and she carried on about how she lost weight and now weighed x amount of pounds. I know this because someone showed me her post, and all I could think of was, "how dare she judge?"
I don't get it. She was once a big girl, she lost weight and now she feels she has the right to judge other overweight people? It's a blessing she's not my friend anymore, but in a way it disturbs me that she has forgotten her past, but I think she did more out of revenge than anything else, to humiliate me about my weight because she was mad at me. Talk about burning one's bridges! In any event, not only do I NOT need friends like that, her plan backfired; everyone saw right through her.
So this fat girl is leaving many buildings and leaving a lot of her past behind. She will inspire others, and remain humbled by a gift given to her by her surgeon through God. I will never forget my past as I go along this journey. It's time to move on and let go.
A la prossima!
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