My Empty Holes

One of the reasons why I self medicate with food is because food fills all those empty holes in my body. The holes that make me anxious, sad, depressed, lonely and happy. Those are the holes that need to be fixed by me and need some TLC from me. The problem is I know where some of those holes are and I know why they exist, but the rest are just too confusing. Someone once told me to start with loving myself. How does one begin to love themselves? To me love is food. When I was a child, my mother would give me something to eat to make me feel better, so naturally I associate food with love and happiness. She didn't know any better. No one gets directions on how to raise children or be a mother.

My mother grew up during the second world war in Europe. When she was 7 years old, the German Army bombed her village. She was with her mother (my grandmother) when it happened. My grandmother, in an effort to protect her from shrapnel or from being killed threw herself on top of my mother. These were times of war. Food was scarce, electricity was rationed, fear was everywhere. My father was from an adjacent town, and his mother hid him deep in the mountains in a cave. Nonna told me the Germans came into town looking for young men to recruit for Hitler Youth Camps. My grandmother had already lost her husband and was raising a family of 3 children (one adopted) on her own. She wasn't about to lose her son.

Both parents grew up in poverty, so when they got married and came to the US, life's necessities were at their fingertips. They worked hard, made money, socked some of it away and lived within their means. They had children who, unlike them, were well fed. Having slightly chubby kids was a sign of status. It meant the family was doing well. I wonder if that's where my addiction began? I don't eat them anymore, but when I was a child I loved cold cuts. My dad would come home with the groceries on Saturday nights. Among those groceries was a fresh loaf of bread and freshly sliced Italian cold cuts. Either I or my mother would make a sandwich of mortadella, salami and prosciutto (I disliked cheese) on freshly baked bread. I remember scoffing the sandwich down. The salty, greasy, spicy goodness sliding down my throat to fill my already filled tummy. You see, my dad would go shopping on Saturday nights after dinner. I had no reason to be hungry, I just wanted to taste the sandwich. Why? I don't know. I just know I wanted it.

Were the holes starting then? What was missing in my life when I was 7 or 8 years old? Yes, I was a little chubby and yes some kids did tease me about it. I remember my 4th grade teacher asking me to go to the board and complete a long division equasion. I couldn't do it. My mind went completely blank. She bullied and humiliated me in front of the class. When that wouldn't work she sent me to the principal's office with a note. I read the note on the way there. It said something like, "Nica weighs 100 pounds and cannot do math equasions." It hurt that she used my weight against me. I couldn't understand my feelings at the time so I may have just buried them deep inside me. I wonder if that's when my addiction started?

From Psychology today:

"Addiction is a condition that results when a person ingests a substance (e.g., alcohol, cocaine, nicotine) or engages in an activity (e.g., gambling, sex, shopping) that can be pleasurable but the continued use/act of which becomes compulsive and interferes with ordinary life responsibilities, such as work, relationships, or health. Users may not be aware that their behavior is out of control and causing problems for themselves and others.

The word addiction is used in several different ways. One definition describes physical addiction. This is a biological state in which the body adapts to the presence of a drug so that drug no longer has the same effect, otherwise known as a tolerance. Because of tolerance, the biological reaction of withdrawal occurs the drug is discontinued. Another form of physical addiction is the phenomenon of overreaction by the brain to drugs (or to cues associated with the drugs). An alcoholic walking into a bar, for instance, will feel an extra pull to have a drink because of these cues.

The most addictive behavior is not related to either physical tolerance or exposure to cues. People compulsively use drugs, gamble, or shop nearly always in reaction to being emotionally stressed, whether or not they have a physical addiction. Since these psychologically based addictions are not based on drug or brain effects, they can account for why people frequently switch addictive actions from one drug to a completely different kind of drug, or even to a non-drug behavior. The focus of the addiction isn't what matters; it's the need to take action under certain kinds of stress. Treating this kind of addiction requires an understanding of how it works psychologically.

When referring to any kind of addiction, it is important to recognize that its cause is not simply a search for pleasure and that addiction has nothing to do with one's morality or strength of character. Experts debate whether addiction is a "disease" or a true mental illness, whether drug dependence and addiction mean the same thing, and many other aspects of addiction. Such debates are not likely to be resolved soon. But the lack of resolution does not preclude effective treatment."

Yes, I eat/self medicate for pleasure. It satisfies the pleasure center in my brain. How do I kill that?

works cited: http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/addiction