Depression

I’ve been suffering from depression for quite a while, but some days I feel like my depression is over the edge. Like I could fall off and never return. Depression hurts like no pain that anyone has ever felt. I’ve even entertained the thought of dying.

I haven’t seen my sister since my father died 6 years ago. In most of those 7 years we’ve had a pretty strained relationship and barely spoke to one another, but our relationship has gotten better. She has her family and her life so she’s happy. My niece was 10 years the last time I saw her, now she’s 18 and calls me on the phone several times a week to tell me what’s she’s up to. I enjoy our conversations, because I’m getting to know her, but she’s not getting the full benefit of who her aunt really is because of my depression. I don’t want her to see the side of me that I’ve become so I fake it. I don’t even laugh anymore. Which brings me to to why I’m feeling exceptionally depressed today.

My niece is going to New York with a group from school and my sister is going with her. From the way it was explained to me, they can basically do what they want while there, so I thought if that’s the case, I could take the train and we can spend a day together. Yesterday I got the train schedule and look at hotel prices and was ready to make my reservations when I got a phone call from my sister telling me they will have so much to do with the school and she doesn’t know if there will be any time to spend together, but I’m still free to go if I want.

What?

I called my sister last night, she wasn’t home and spoke with my niece who read the itinerary to me. She said, we can have dinner between 8 and 9:30pm. Why would I go at this point? To spend money on the ride there, just to sit in a hotel room, not see my sister and niece and go home the next day?

So it looks like I’m staying home now, and once again I’ll have nothing to look forward to.

On a positive note, when I found out the news last night and made my decision not to go to New York, I didn’t eat. I made myself a drink, but only drank half of it. I planned to take a sleeping pill because I knew after hearing the news I would be up all night walking the floors. I didn’t want to mix alcohol with ambien. So I didn’t use food as a crutch, that’s a good thing.

It seems lately whenever something is planned with friends, it falls through. I was supposed to to Cape Cod for a Fall weekend getway with friends. I looked forward to this for weeks and the week before one of the girls realized she had something else to do and plans fell through.

Today, as I sit here looking at the snow falling outside my window, ending my life seems very tempting, but I won't do it.

Maybe I just need to find new friends.