Monday, January 5, 2015

Food Triggers

Today I was thinking of food triggers.

I have certain triggers that set off my food addiction. I can’t have crackers in the house, because they lead to cheese and more crackers, or they just all end up in my mouth if they’re salty and tasty enough. One or a few crackers are not enough because once I get started, I go into some kind of trance. It's the only way I can describe it. It feels as if I've left my body and something else is controlling my mind. Whatever is controlling my mind is causing me to put too much food into my mouth. I'm not satisfied with a few crackers or the suggested serving, I have to eat them until I'm full; sometimes overly full to the point where I'm sick. Also, I can’t have candy of any kind in the house. You know those little Cadbury eggs that come out at Easter time and gummy bears? I have been known to eat an entire large bag in one day! I keep these things out of the house on purpose.

Out of sight, out of mind. I don’t crave them, but if I see them while I'm out, I begin to have a mental conversation with myself. It usually starts off with, “I can control it, it’s alright.” Then it becomes, “you fool, you can’t control it, you’ll have the bag scoffed up by evening and you’ll be complaining about how sick you feel the whole next day!” My behavior is very similar to that of an alcoholic or substance abuser. It sucks. The conversations in my mmind go back and forth, up and down and all around. It becomes a whirlwind of conversations that eventually turn into so much noise, I just give in. I lose. My psych told me to make peace with the triggers. Tell them, they’ve served their purpose but are not useful to me anymore. I guess that can work if I really want it to, but something inside me continuously wants me to fail and give in. And I do.

I don't know how this addiction began or where it came from. I could go back and blame my parents, my bad marriage, events that happened in my life, but in reality, those are all just catalysts. I'm the one with the addiction, I'm the one who can't stop hurting myself. And that's what it all comes down to. WHY AM I HURTING MYSELF?? What happened to me that I have to constantly punish myself by making myself sick?

Something to think about.

Yesterday, I made myself one of those healthy smoothie drinks for lunch. In a blender, I added some frozen peaches, half a banana, about a half cup of cooked, frozen kale, some almond milk, water and a half serving of protein powder. It was so good, I sucked it up through a straw, and by the time I realized it was gone, I wanted more. I drank it too fast and I was mad at myself for doing so.

About an hour or so later, I took a nap. 20 minutes into the nap, I woke up with the worst acid reflux I've had in quite some time. It felt like a cold, steel sword coming up from the bowels of hell cutting my esophagus on the way up and laughing as I suffered from the burn. I began to cough as some of it had reached into my throat. I drank a huge glass of water, but it still burned. The burning wouldn't stop. I took two good swigs of Maalox and it only burned more. I didn't know what to do, but I thought about something that would coat and soothe. I thought about how people who eat hot, spicy peppers drink milk afterwards to stop the burn, so I poured a tiny bit of milk into a cup and drank it. It felt good going down and the burning stopped. I don't drink milk, in fact, I despise milk, but I'm glad it was in the house.

In looking up some of the causes for acid reflux, I noticed I had a few. One was obesity, that's me! The other was eating too fast and drinking liquids while eating. I remember being told after my sleeve surgery, to not drink with meals, and if I had to, to take small sips. Naturally, I ignored it because I figured if I drank water it would fill me up. It does, but it distends the stomach and water empties out pretty quickly leaving one hungry mere minutes later. Today, I was cognizant of what I ate and paced myself while eating. I have to keep doing this.

xo

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