Hello My Name is Nica, and I'm a Food Addict

For those of you who still check in here once in a while, thank you. I’m sorry I haven’t been posting. My life has been a roller coaster of problems, issues and fuck ups (mainly mine) that I need to sort out.

I have to be absolutely honest with you. My stomach surgery did not work. It didn’t work for several reasons. Most of them are my problems with the exception of one, and I'll go into that later in this post.

My problem: I have severe bone on bone osteoarthritis in my right knee. My knee is collapsing over itself. I have trouble walking and cannot walk for more than 5 minutes without excruciating pain. I’m at the point where pain relievers like Advil and Aleve no longer work. I lead a very sedentary lifestyle because I can’t work out or walk.

My problem: I suffer from depression and anxiety. Some of my depression is personal, the rest is due to my arthritis. On beautiful days I look out the window yearning to be outside despite the temperature, but I can’t because it hurts too much to walk. I’ve had several ortho doctors and none of them will do knee replacement until I lose weight; and the Catch-22 is I can’t lose weight because I can’t walk, therefore I can't get to a gym or exercise. Therefore I have resigned myself to being in pain for the rest of my life. I have tried everything including cutting back on calories to where I was eating approximately 800 calories a day, and not one ounce of weight was shed because I can't work it off.

My problem: I have Thyroid disease. Hashimoto's to be exact. It "may" have something to do with lack of weight loss, it may not. My TSH level is between .49 and 1. My endocrinologist says I should be able to lose weight.

I do the food shopping every week. I come home in tears from the pain in my knee from walking. I can’t carry the groceries inside the house nor can I put them away, so my husband does it. It hurts to climb stairs and do laundry. It hurts to climb into the shower or blow dry my hair. I can't do very much housecleaning, although I try. My husband does the laundry and a few other things around the house, but I do the cooking, which is painful because I also can't stand for very long and resort to quick, easy meals that doesn't require much standing. I’m also a student. More than anything I would love to attend a live, traditional classroom setting, but schools are big buildings, and I'm unable to walk from one class to the next.

Several semesters ago, I took a class in addiction. I had a wonderful professor who was very thorough and very knowledgeable about the subject. I learned about addictive behaviors and that people are addicted to all sorts of things other than drugs and alcohol. Addictions can also manfest themselves in sex, gambling, shopping and food for example. Yes food. I learned something else. I have many of those addictive behaviors. I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t take any sort of drug that would alter my consciousness, I don’t gamble and I don’t shop. My addiction is food. I self medicate with food. I use it when I'm happy and I lean on it when I'm sad. Like an alcoholic who reaches for a drink, I reach for food.

I attended several, different Overeaters Anonymous classes. It's a great concept, for those that like it. The ones I attended were very religion based. I felt like I was sitting in bible class, there is no human connection. No one talks to each other, the mediator does not talk to others except to ask if they would read passages from the "book." Everyone thanks their creator for helping them, the session is over and I'm more confused than ever before. I did not get satisfaction, it did not help me.

In February of 2011, I had bariatric surgery. I went through the multitudes of medical tests both physical and psychological. I was so excited. I thought finally I'd be able to eat less, lose weight and be happy; but it didn’t happen. Yes, I did lose about 45 lbs initially, but I had 125 lbs. more to lose. Don’t get me wrong, I do not, for one single moment, regret my surgery. Not at all. The staff at the hospital where I had the surgery was great, but then they dropped me. I would go back every few months or so, I’d see a Registered Dietician, but she kept telling me I was doing great, and inside I knew I wasn’t.

As I said at the beginning of this post, most everything is my problem except for this: What hospital bariatric departments fail to discuss with their patients is addictionn as a possible reason for obesity. Bariatric surgery is great, eating less food is great, but it's not the answer. When the individual gets home and back to routine, and the addiction begins to rear its ugly head again, eating less goes right out the window. It’s what happened to me. I am a food addict. Food is my life. There isn’t a day that goes by that I am not thinking about what my next meal is going to be. Just like a substance abuser who doesn't stop thinking about his or her next fix or drink. The only issue is people with subtance addictions can survive without it, but food is a necessity. I don’t know why I do this, although I have a sneaking suspicion that self loathing may play a role.

I started this blog because I wanted to be like all the other bariatric bloggers. I wanted to report my progress and share recipes. I used to read blogs like The World According to Egg Face, Metlting Mama and a few others. I wanted to be part of a group with a common interest, but was not very well accepted. You see, I had questions. College has taught me to be a critical thinker, except my questions fell on deaf ears... unless they wanted you to buy something or participate in something that would benefit them, then you're inbox would be flooded. I'm sorry for being so harsh, but it's the truth. They're not the rock stars of the blogging world, so they feel they don't have to respond to their fans, so I stopped being a fan. I want to accomplish the same things they did. I looked to them for guidance and then I stopped reading them because they did not help me.

It’s not about eliminating carbs and eating protein packed foods, (and if I hear “protein packed” one more time, I’ll vomit.) It’s not about all the freebies you get from Bariatic food companies to give away in an effort to get more readers to your blog. It's not about doing TV appearances or going to all the conventions. None of that helps you or me, it helps them.

My addiction is not about eating food, it is about what’s eating me. It's about what causes me to self medicate with food. I’m sure there are plenty of you out there who do feel the same way.

Ironically, my major is nutritional science. I study the biology of the body and food and how they work together. I don't want to end up your run of the mill, self proclaimed nutritionist. Anyone can be a nutritionist, you don't need a degree or license to practice that. Besides, they don't study the human body, they don't put hours upon hours of study time in like I do. Their excuse is I study mainstream science, but I still do all the studying, while they're off getting their degree from google and being know-it-alls. I want to use what I study to help others. My semester starts again in a few weeks, I’m not sure how much time I can dedicate to this blog, but I will certainly try. If you believe that you are addicted to food and can honestly come out and say it, then I’d like you to join me as we try to work this out together.

I'm Back (for now at least!)

I know, I know. It's been forever since I've been here and again I'm going to attribute it to school. Last semester I tool Algebra and Human Bio and I hate algebra. This semester I'm taking Statistics and a language, and I hate Statistics! I just hate math! Good news is I've been accepted to a somewhat prestigious university for spring semester and beginning in January, my community college days will be over. I'm big time now! Hahaha!!

Total pounds lost? 69. Yes, it's great, but it's slow and sometimes it stalls for months! Imagine working out nearly every day in the summer, doing weights, cardio and even water aerobics, watching what I eat, counting calories and every blessed thing that went into my mouth and NOT LOSING A POUND!! How does one not lose any weight on 1200 calories and lots of exercise? Anyway, I had to be patient, but then I thought, if I took away 200 calories, what would happen? Well, I lost weight. In fact 10 lbs in a month's time. That's a lot of weight in one month so I don't expect to be riding the weight loss carnival ride for much longer. I know it will level itself off and I'll hit another stall but I'm enjoying it for now!

I'm learning. I go to a monthly post op meeting for bariatric patients at the hospital where I had my surgery. I also took a nutritional biology class this summer and and have been counseling, actually sitting in with a registered dietician while she counsels bariatric patients. I've learned a tremendous amount of information about our bodies and what happens when we feed it, and while I won't go on about what I learned, let's just say I've been enlightened, carbs are not the enemy. I love sharing my knowledge with others but I'm finding that people will only hear what they want, and that's okay too.

There is a certain message board for bariatric patients that I used to go visit pre-op and for a short while post op, and am now learning that much of the information shared there is dangerous. I even got into a mild debate with a dethroned king now acting queen at this site who basically told me everything that I've learned in biology class and in nutritional biology class is wrong and he is right. He possesses no professional experience, no license to practice, not even an internet diploma (sic) but he's an expert. And while his minions cheered him on as he "told me off," I laughed and shook my head. Apparently I stepped on his queenly toes. Okay, granted, I don't have a license either, not yet anyway, I expect to in 2 years, however I'm just sharing what I've learned and not giving out advice or private counseling. It's fine. I don't lose any sleep over it and we're all adults so I'm sure they will find their own way. All I will say is try to stay within a normal range of protein intake as too much can affect your kidneys, try to balance your meals with some carbs and a little fat and you'll be fine. It's working for me!

The above is an observation and an experience I had and I felt the need to say it and will not name the website or name of individual.

Weight loss can be accomplished if you use the tools that were giving to you during surgery. Eat small amounts, eat slow, eat a variety of foods, eat healthy, drink at least 48 oz of liquid a day, preferably water, but iced or hot tea and crystal lite are fine and don't forget to exercise That's it, nothing more to it. For those of us with VSG surgery, our bodies act the same as they always did, we're just missing a big part of our stomachs, and that doesn't change our biology, everything is in working order! Makes me happy that I did not opt for the gastric bypass but I admire those who did choose it.

On that note, I'm off to do some homework.

Ciao for now!

Bullying The Fat Girl

Melting Mama's blog about women and bullying reminded me of a childhood friend I once had, and my first experience with bullying. B and I were BFF's for a good part of 10 years. After high school she got engaged and began planning her wedding, assuming that since I was her BFF and she had no sisters or female relatives, I would be in her wedding party. In fact she even hinted about it, but one day I received the phone call where she told me that she found someone else to be her maid of honor and gave me the reason that I was "too fat." to be in her wedding, but I would be invited as a guest. Yes, those were her exact words that are clear to me today as they were some 30 years ago. Really??? I wouldn't have really cared if I were in her wedding or not, but the fact that she hinted, asked and then took it back, really hurt. It hurt because we were close, we shared secrets and did those stupid things that young girls do. I never went to her wedding and afterwards I conveniently lost touch with her.

I was always a chubby kid, and there were a few kids who pointed it out to me like I was some dumb ass or didn't own a mirror, but my weight never really bothered me. In the 4th grade, the teacher sent me up to the board to solve a math problem. I had problems with math and I couldn't do the problem. She wrote a note and sent me to the principal's office with it. I read the note on the way there and it said I was having problems with math because I couldn't pay attention, was lazy and fat. YES, this is true! It still didn't bother me. The reason why I didn't understand math is because I needed extra help, like some skinny kids sometimes do. I don't remember going to the principal's office, I erased that part from my memory.

Still, it didn't bother me. My "chubbiness" was accepted in my culture, it showed good health and good status for my parents, formerly very poor and uneducated peasants from a European country who came to the US and did well.

And my BFF's words externally didn't bother me (so I thought). I figured if she thought so poorly of me, then she was never a real friend. I was just a little upset over the time invested in being her friend, but I was young and moved on pretty fast. Internally, her comment festered.

I know, why did I let it bother me? I don't know, but it did. I was always a fat kid, and made up for that by being a funny kid, which is probably why I was never bullied. I covered up my fatness by making kids laugh in school. I never had self esteem issues, I was just a happy, fat kid!

In my mid 20's I decided that maybe it was time to lose a few pounds. I was becoming a career girl, meeting all different kinds of people and had my eye on a few guys. Stupidly, I went on a crash diet, lost 35 lbs. (because that was all I needed to lose at the time) and some of my hair. It was the first time in my life that I had actually been a "skinny" girl, and discovered all that I had been missing. I was going out more, meeting more men, wearing great clothes, wearing a size 7 and liking myself a whole lot! But what my "alleged" friend said to me still, quietly festered in the back of my mind.

A few months ago, this friend found me on Facebook and somehow got my phone number from a mutual friend. The first thing she asked me was, "hey, are you still fat?" Seriously WTF? What kind of question is that? I don't even know what category to file that in, except for maybe "Rude and Tactless Questions." Wouldn't that be somewhat equivalent to asking if one still that crazy-go-funny eye, or if one still wears her hair in pigtails? Would my answer have made a huge difference to her? As I continued talking to her, I realized that anything I said would not have made a difference, she wasn't listening to me! It was all about HER, her problems, her life, her poor, pitiful self!

And this, my friends was a huge relief!

I finally came to terms with myself about her. I saw her for the idiot she really was! Her phone call removed all the years of hurt I felt by those three stupid little words, "you're too fat!" I guess in a manner of speaking, that was a form of bullying even though I wouldn't admit it to myself for many years, I was humiliated, ashamed, betrayed and it changed the way I thought of myself.

You know, I love me. Always did, and now that I've had WLS, I love me even more. You should all love yourselves because YOU are what's important. It's a beautiful feeling!

P.S. When she asked me if I was still fat, I asked her if she ever got braces for her horrendously protruding front teeth. I would never say that to anyone else, but she deserved it and damn it felt good after saying it!

Ha! I clearly do not give a good crap anymore!




A la prossima!

Weight Loss Adventures!

I've been having fun lately going through some old clothing I had stashed away for that day when I could wear them again. Well, some are outdated as all hell and some still didn't fit, and some I either threw away or put into the charity bag. However, today was a very, very sad day for me because I found a tunic that I've always loved. I remember the day I purchased it; it was one of those days when I was a little down over something or another, it could have even been a cloudy day (they make me sad) and thought that retail therapy would set me straight again. I walked into a clothing store and there it was hanging all by herself waiting for me to cast my eyes on her and fall in love. She knew she was hot and she knew a sucker when she saw one. So I walked over to the tunic, stared at it in awe, I might have even drooled a little, but as I thumbed through a rack of clothing I found a replica of her in my size and brought it home. The tunic is Indian style and actually called a "kurta." It is made of royal purple micro suede with brass coins sewed around the neckline and on both sleeves so when one moved, the coins jingled.

I tried it on and even though it was a little snug on top, I couldn't get it over my hips. I was a little upset but I thought one day I'll be able to fit into it.

Well, a lot of time has passed since that day and many events have happened, like for instance weight loss surgery and my life change. I had forgotten about this beautiful purple tunic until this morning when desperately searching for something to wear, i.e., something that fit me, I came across the beautiful purple tunic. Those beautiful brass coins beckoned for me to pluck this gorgeous piece of clothing from the closet rack where it has been sitting for several years and try it on.

The thought that it might still fit a little too tight crossed my mind but I was okay with that, until I pulled the tunic over my head and down over my chest, then hips and....

I looked like I was inside a teepee!!

All I needed was for someone to hammer a few rails into the hem, making sure they were well into the ground and I could host a camp-out in the backyard with several small children as my guests.

I was hurt and even felt like crying. I had completely passed the moment when I was able to wear this shirt in comfort. I looked at myself in the mirror and looked at the charity bag and back into the mirror as if it would suddenly and magically fit me perfectly, then back to the charity bag. I stood there for a moment in contemplation of what my next move would be, and I promptly took off the shirt put it back on the hanger and back into my closet thinking one day I will find a good tailor who will fix this for me!

I just couldn't bear to part with it.

Looking forward to trying out the new sweaters I bought last winter but never had a chance to wear to see if more sad/happy moments in weight loss history will occur! Until then...


a la prossima!

Sweet, Sweet Victories!

When I started this blog I was about a month post op and still wearing my fat girl pants which were size 22 stretch jeans and regular stretch pants. I have a lot of friends who are happy for me, especially my friend Linda took issue with me still wearing my old clothes and pulled me aside. She told me she was sick of watching me hike up my pants to just about under my boobs just to see them fall past my hips. Only a good friend will tell you like it is! Linda was right, it was indeed time for me to give up my fat clothes and buy some new clothes, so we went on a shopping excursion to Lane Bryant one evening.

While in the store, I found some pants that I thought would look good in one size smaller than what I usually wear. Linda, on the other hand grabbed pants in even smaller sizes. I went into the dressing room where the sales person had already designated a dressing room for me and had the clothing hanging on hooks inside.

I tried on a size 20 boot cut pant. Too big. I tried on a size 18. Still too big. I'm thinking holy shit the sizes must run big in this store. Linda handed me a size 16 pant. In my mind, I prepared myself to squeeze into them and not be able to get them past my hips.

HOLY SHIT!

I put them on, buttoned and zipped them without having to suck my gut in and then looked at myself in the mirror. I could think of nothing else other than I just put my fat ass into a size 16 pants! my next thought was where did the other half of me go?? I was looking dead into reality and it was very kind to me!!

It's hard for me to explain how I really feel about all this because after years of squeezing my big ass into clothes that were increasing in size and trying to look like someone I was clearly not, I looked in that mirror and actually liked myself and liked what I saw! I couldn't take my eyes off my reflection in the mirror. It's not like I don't have any mirrors at home, but it felt as if I was looking at myself for the first time in years! I went from having 3 chins to one chin, from having chipmunk cheeks and looking like I was constantly hoarding nuts to actually seeing my cheekbones, from having a stomach that made me look like I was going to give birth to quadruplets to almost flat, my hips and thighs were smaller, I HAD A FREAKIN' WAIST!!! And even though it was smaller, my ghetto bootie was still there!!

It was hard for me initially to believe the person that I was looking at in the mirror was me and I was not dreaming!

I bought the size 16 pants and a size 14, not size 22 shirt to go with it. I even went back and bought another pair of pants and a pair of jeans and a few more shirts, all on sale of course. I have enough clothes now to make it through the end of summer, and I'll evaluate what's in my closet for the upcoming fall and winter.

People are noticing my weight loss now than ever before. I'm not liking the attention very much because I don't know how to take a compliment, but please know deep down inside I'm grinning from ear to ear.

Yesterday morning I reached my 50 pound goal and set my next 50 pound goal that I hope to achieve by my surgery anniversary on February 22nd. This morning I lost another pound!

This morning I also tried on a bra that I once said I'd never get into and it fit. Comfortably. In fact, the cups are a little roomy, but the bra didn't dig into my skin anywhere. With that, I went through my bra drawer and pulled out about 15 bras that no longer fit me that I'm giving to charity. Almost all of them are new. I've gone from a double D to a C and now possibly a B.

Life is getting better.

a la prossima!

Change is Good!

When my stall was nearing its 6-week mark, I not only became very sad and frustrated, it wasn't supposed to work this way, I was supposed to lose have a stall here and there but not one that is lasting 6 weeks and counting! so, my first thought was it probably isn't a stall and my second thought was, it's definitely what I'm eating. I work out every other day, I do water aerobics twice a week and still the weight didn't go up, BUT, it didn't go down either. Well, after having a discussion about this over lunch with a very dear friend, I made up my mind on what to do.

I joined Weight Watchers online.

I'm not writing this to sing the praises of Weight Watchers because the program isn't designed for post op bariatric patients but I am going to say that I figured out what I was doing wrong. I was definitely eating too many calories - lots of protein, low carb and all but way too many calories and, I know some of you will hate me for saying this, but, I've had to put a few grainy carbs back into my eating plan just to kickstart the weight loss again. By adding a few carbs I mean, I eat a small piece of whole grain toast in the morning, that's it! I'm also keeping track of what I eat, still keeping my protein grams to 60/70 per day and I stay below my points guideline. I couldn't possible eat 28 points a day, but 21-24 is working for me. I can't even eat the extra points alloted to do with what you will for the week or the extra points rewarded for working out. My stomach just isn't big enough anymore to stuff those extra points in, so I don't use them. I'm told if I don't use them, my body will go into starvation mode... mmmm... I don't think so. I'm eating, eating right and eating healthy.

So after 2 weeks of WW tracking of food intake and activity, I've managed to lose 3 1/2 pounds. I don't know if it's the carbs my body is seeing after so many months, or it's the lower caloric intake, but whatever it is, it's working, my mental slump is better and I'm feeling great!

As many of you know, there is nothing more frustrating than hitting a stall, and I expect stalls to last several weeks, but 6 weeks is a bit much in my opinion, and it is a reason to figure out what the underlying problem is. Everyone's body reacts differently, apparently my body punishes me for eating the way most post op bariatric patients eat, so at this moment the WW plan is working for me.

In the end though, does it really matter? We are all trying to achieve the same goal which is the reason we had weight loss surgery to begin with. As long as we're losing in a healthy way.

I'll take a 3.5 loss any day! Yup, change can be very good!



A la prossima!

Eat Pancakes for Stress

Once again, it's been a while since I posted, and the truth is I've been so stressed out it's scaring me. To start, we had an attempted break in at my house, luckily the alarm went off as soon as they got the door open and apparently the coward ass ran. Then my husband's car window was vandalized. The idiots threw a rock the size of my head through the driver's side window, reached in and took his baseball cap. The man was pissed about his baseball cap, I was pissed because they touched my property!! My husband just happened to be looking out the window when it happened opened the door and started chasing the kids down the street. I called the police, and a perfect day ended in chaos. A few weeks later the man was going out to move my car when he noticed my driver's side window was shattered. I don't keep anything of value in my car, the only things I have is a blanket and an umbrella. If they're that desperate for those items, I would have gladly given it to them, but they were still there. So the following day I decided I was going to play sentry and keep a look out and around 6:30, two kids walked by and sat on my lawn wall, one was carrying two large bricks. I poked my head out the window and asked what he had in his hands, he said it was his phone. I replied by asking if phones look like bricks these days and he said they were new phones. Again, my husband went out and they began to run, once again I called the police and once again the police did not get the kid. So now one car gets parked in the garage and the other gets parked in a safe area in the next town across the street from my where my sister in law lives.

This is what it has come down to. I am not going to pay another dime to replace the windows so these punks can get their jollies. Also, I've been looking at houses, we are definitely getting out of this neighborhood. It's getting worse and worse every year, if it isn't the sound of gunfire, the drive by shootings and gang related deaths, it's little morons vandalizing personal property.

Also, I was kind of hoping it wouldn't happen to me, but it did - my hair is beginning to fall out. I'm a little over 4 months post op and it's coming out in clumps, it doesn't even look the same when I style it. I have hypothyroidism and lost a considerable amount of hair on top of my head already, so this post op hair loss in addition is very depressing. I've been wearing it tied back in a ponytail, am strongly considering cutting it all off or buy a wig. I'd like to try a couple of wigs first and if they look natural enough, I'll ride out the storm until my hair starts to grow back, if not, I guess I'll be wearing a butch cut for a few months!

And if things aren't bad enough, I'm stuck in a stall. 43 pounds and not budging, not even a half pound!

On the other hand, I've been having some AWESOME pancakes for breakfast the past two days. I got the recipe from "The World According to Eggface." I made my own variation by adding a tablespoon of SF white chocolate pudding mix and a half cup of blueberries; just make sure you add the blueberries before you flip the pancake over. I made 2 large pancakes from the batter instead of 4 small or 8 silver dollar size and could only eat one. In fact, I even had trouble finishing it, I left about 2-3 bites.

The pancakes were a refreshing change from eggs every day, even though the recipe contains egg, but it's not the same! I highly suggest you try them! These pancakes are so very yummy that I forgot all about the problems I've been having for a while! Who would have thought pancakes would be stress relievers! See here for the recipe.